... we weren't distracting the hang gliders so much as the riders of them. It was accidental, it's not our fault they weren't thinking with their brains and kept crashing into things.

Before we were able to distract the hang gliders, however, we had to get to the beach. More of an ordeal than you might think.

11:45
RUTH: Where's Tess??

12:15
TESS and RUTH: Where's Yunna??

12:15
YUNNA: I'm here, I'm here! *leaps onto Tess's scooter*

12:20
RUTH: Tess, I don't like to tax you, but your back tire is nearly flat.
TESS: Damn. That might fly if I didn't have a passenger.
SCOOTER: *cough cough* Have mercy!
TIRE CENTER: Here I am and I have air for that tire!
KINDLY ATTENDANT: If I could find the valve into which the air goes ...
TESS: I feel this is something I should know ...
KINDLY ATTENDANT: Found it! And after all that work, it's still free air!
TESS and RUTH: Oh, good!
YUNNA: *returning from the bathroom* Damn it!
TESS: What? What could possibly be wrong now? We haven't even made it out of Yeoseodong!
YUNNA: *whispers in Tess's ear*
TESS: Didn't you see that coming? It does, you know, routinely!
YUNNA: Sometimes it SPRINGS on you with no warning when you most wanna put on a swimsuit.
RUTH: What?

12:40
TESS: *rounding a bend into Sohodong* Merciful GS Mart!
RUTH: I still don't understand ...
YUNNA: *holds up Tampon box*
RUTH: I see. Hey, part of my helmet is coming off.
TESS: Use band-aids!
RUTH: You're a genius! ... Wait, now I'll look like a total dork. Thanks a lot, Tess!
TESS: No you don't. Anyway, you might need a band-aid later if rogue giant sand fleas bite holes in your leg.
RUTH: Surely not.

1:00
TESS: *shouts to Yunna over wind and scooter noise* You do actually know how to get to this beach?
YUNNA: *singing along to iPod* L is for the way you LOOK at me! O is for the only ONE I see! V is VERY VERY extraordinary...
TESS: *sigh*
RUTH: *sighs as she follows Tess* Turn right. Trust me.

1:30
TESS: My god, is that the beach? Do I turn here, Yunna?
YUNNA: *singing to iPod and giving Tess a back rub* Night and daaaaay! You are the ooooooone!
TESS: *over shoulder to Ruth* Why aren't you leading again?
RUTH: No idea. Come on, the turn-off was a mile back that way.

1:45
TESS: My god, is this the beach? WE MADE IT!
YUNNA: What a great ride! Did you enjoy my tunes and my massages?
TESS: Like you would not believe!
RUTH: Spread out, ladies, it's lunchee timee!
YUNNA: Wanna swim.
TESS: Eat this nutritious kimbop!
YUNNA: Yummmmm!
TESS: *squinting up into the hills that loom over the beach* My god, is that a hang glider?
RUTH: Or seven! Wow!
JEFFREY: *randomly appears* GOSSIP! HANG GLIDER COMPETITIONS! HALLOWEEN PARTIES!
TESS: I see.

2:15
TESS: Let's go lull on the beach now we've had a nice dip in the murky ocean.
RUTH: I hope we don't see jellyfish like last time.
YUNNA: Splash splash dive!! I love Thailand, I mean Yeosu!
TESS: *sits at the edge of the water* Ah, this is lovely and - oh, my GOD, I'm being bit all over and I can't see by what!
RUTH: *sits by her* Why that's crazy talk, you - oh, my GOD, you're right!
TESS and RUTH: *flee into water (no pun intended) and empty swimsuits of piranha sand fleas*
RUTH: Good thing for the band-aids after all!

2:20
TESS: *lounging around on beach blanket* Boy, am I gonna be wishing I'd worn sunblock in a half hour or so...
TESS'S EPIDERMIS (which is showing): Damn straight! See if I don't get skin cancer for your twenty-fourth birthday.
TESS'S MOTHER (from across the ocean): I taught you better, child!
TESS: *sigh*
RUTH: *squinting* Girls, I think those hang gliders are going to be landing on our beach.
YUNNA: What? There's no room for them! This beach is EMPTY and PARADISAICAL!
TESS: *Stands and stretches* Surely not, Ruth-uh, there are many other places for them to land ... like the ocean or -
RUTH and YUNNA: Duuuuuuck!
TESS: *drops to her stomach and shrieks with Yunna and Ruth*
HANG GLIDER: That's right, I'm a lean mean flying machine! *flies two inches over their heads*
TESS: ... muh.
RUTH: We'd best have our wits about us, ladies.

2:30
TESS: *glances up from book and points at approaching hang glider* Oh, look, another one.
YUNNA: Tell me if it looks like he'll land on us.
TESS: No, but he seems to be staring down at us. Wow, he's really copping a mental feel there and -
HANG GLIDER: *crashes*
RUTH: Oh, my god. Is he dead?
YUNNA: No ... but now we know that that power line has been securely fastened to the ground ...
TESS: Really? He hit a power line because he's never seen girls in bikinis? Isn't he participating in a hang gliding competition? Don't they do some kind of test for steroids or excessive horniness?
YUNNA: Tess, I had to move to Australia to start wearing a bikini. And I can tell you for free that it's not because Korean have higher moral standards or respect for women.
TESS and RUTH: *watch hang glider peel himself off power line* Huh.

2:40
RUTH: Well, we've only caused one crash but we have caused several men to overshoot the landing circle of life.
TESS: Although that one dude nearly landed on a child, I don't think we can be blamed for it.
RUTH: I want another crash! Let's do slow-motion running in and out of the water!
YUNNA: It'll never work ...
HANG GLIDERS: Wha ...?
TESS: Is that Jeffrey in the one that just caught his parachute on the power line?
RUTH: To be fair, Jeffrey's not the one steering and he was waving at his kids on the way down. I think he was just a passenger, a victim of our gorgeous sexiness in an indirect way.
JEFFREY: That's true. My kids were so excited to see me flying. Now they think I'm magic. However, the first hang glider who crashed would like you to know that the crash was caused by you three.
TESS, RUTH, YUNNA: Score one for Team Sexy-pants!
YUNNA: You know, this really calls for a Maxim photoshoot!
RUTH: Oh, fine *runs gleefully for camera*

3:30
RUTH: We're out of hang gliders. Guess we'd better bounce.
YUNNA: I've never had such fun at the beach!
TESS: Me, too! Let's come back again when my sunburn is healed and I plan ahead enough to wear sunblock.
TESS'S SCOOTER: *puff puff wheeze* I haven't driven that far since last year, you fiendish bastard!
TESS: Yeah, well, now you have to drive back. Sorry, love. How about a nice trip to the mechanic tomorrow?
TESS'S SCOOTER: I think I can, I think I can ...
VARIOUS KOREAN DRIVERS: We speed, ignore all rules of safety, and are the most impatient people in the known universe ... except the Italians.
RUTH and TESS: Fear!
YUNNA: *singing to iPod and giving Tess back massages* Blue skiiiiiiiiiiiies! Smiling at meeeeeeeeee! Nothing but BLUE SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIES, do I SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

What a glorious day at the beach. The moral of the story, from a Tess standpoint, is that when your friend tells you to buy the blue bikini, dammit, you BUY THE BLUE BIKINI DAMMIT. It way attracts the men ... more to the point, it makes them crash into things, which is literally HOURS of comedic gold.

I just had one, in fact. Here's what happened:

TESS: *stretches her bendy, bendy self after running three kilometers and lifting many weights*
CRAZY KOREAN WOMEN NEAR TESS: *giggle madly and do somersaults and back bends on the mat*
TESS: *giggles as she watches middle-aged women carry on like teenage girls*
CRAZY KOREAN WOMEN: *watch Tess kick her leg in the air BECAUSE SHE IS STRETCHING and then giggle and begin to do it already*
TESS: Ah, I knew we'd get here in the end. I've already been harassed by pervy old men and followed around by small wide-eyed children since my return to Korea. It was inevitable that eventually I'd get laughed at by old ajeumas.
CRAZY KOREAN WOMEN: *continue to mimic Tess as she innocently stretches*
TESS: Oh, what, you want a piece? *does the splits*
CRAZY KOREAN WOMEN: Ahhh!!!!!
CRAZIEST OF THE KOREA WOMEN: Oh, what, I can do ... I can ... ow.
FRIENDS: Oh, nice, let the country down, why don't you? She's just a miguk, probably has swine flu.
CRAZIEST OF THE KOREAN WOMEN: Oh, whatever, I bet she can't do THIS. *does back bend*
TESS: Ha! I'll show YOU. *whips out gymnastics coach STANDING back bend*
FRIENDS: What the ... DAMN! *giggle giggle giggle*

This silliness continued for another few minutes until they'd decided they'd had enough. Then they let me have my stretching time. I did notice, however, as I was on my way out that they were telling my favorite gym trainer dude all about my crazy foreign stretching. I may never go back out of sheer embarrassment.

It has to be said I was laughing the whole time.

So here I am again, on a plane flying over the Pacific. Well, almost flying over the Pacific ... I think we're still somewhere over Canada. I've had several shocks to my system already and we only took off fifteen minutes ago.

1. The plane takes off

PLANE: Boo!
TESS: Ahh! That was so totally unexpected.

2. The in-flight music was at full volume when I plugged in my headphones

IN-FLIGHT MUSIC: Boo!
TESS'S BLEEDING EARS: Ahh! That was so totally unexpected.

3. The plane's engines suddenly got really quiet.

ENGINES: ....
TESS: ... boo? Please say boo!
ENGINES: ....
TESS: Ahh!

I get a little tense when I fly. Hence, writing about it in my blog. Although I've definitely had worse seating (a side note: the engines have started making noise again). My sainted father helped me check in and I'm convinced that he sold some of his excessive good karma to buy me Two Bits of Good Fortune.

BIT #1
BAGS: We're full, but just full enough. No, for real. Weigh us.
SCALE: My god, it's a beautiful feat of 22.5 kgs. You sneaky devils.
BAGS: Aren't we just?

BIT #2 (the engines have gone quiet again. HELP!)
TESS'S BELOVED FATHER: Check on your seat, make sure it's good (read: weird daughter who likes aisle seats).
KINDLY KOREAN AIR ATTENDENT: Why look, half the plane is empty!
TESS: No way ...
T.B.F.: Ask if they have an exit row.
TESS: Nonsense, Father, that is far, far, FAR too good to be true and also they charge you.
K.K.A.A.: Why look, an aisle seat in an exit row. And your name has been embossed on the bedding (okay, not really).
TESS: ....
T.B.F.: HA! Told you so! *does Whose Your Daddy dance*
TESS: Best ... father ... ever ...

So here I am with an ENTIRE ROW to myself in the exit row. And it didn't cost any extra. Oh, and as a totally silly side note, they're showing Shrek AND Finding Nemo AND Night at the Museum 2.

The only downside is that this flight is ten hours and forty minutes. Good thing I'm comfy.

My whole beloved family was at the airport to see me off. I started the day out right by upsetting both my parents by attempting to do chores. I nearly brought my mother to tears by doing some laundry.

TESS: *pokes at washing machine until water begins to flow*
MUM: *enters* Tess, what are you doing?
TESS: Oh, I'm washing my sheets and towels. I don't want to leave you and Dad with a big mess to clean up when I'm gone.
MUM: *takes calming breaths* Be a bad kid so I can feel less bad that you're leaving. PLEASE.
TESS: Um ... would now be a bad time to mention that I vacuumed yesterday and I've already pulled out the clothesline to hang this stuff up?
MUM: *puts fingers hastily in ears* Lalala, what's that you say about making international calls on my cell phone and trashing the attic?
TESS: Er ... yes. I did that, too ... just to upset you.

My poor parents are very good to me. They assume they're burdening me if they get upset at the airport or at all before I leave for long stretches of time. They're probably right, it would make things harder for me, but it has to be said that I'll never know for sure because they've never once given me the opportunity to get stressed out by them getting stressed out.

As I said, they're very good to me. My mother, in an attempt to show me she loves and will miss me without burdening my soul with her grief, has done the following nice things for me in the last twenty-four hours:

5. Bought me ferry popcorn, a delicacy I've enjoyed since I was a small girl
4. Allowed me to spend exorbitant amounts of time in Eagle Harbor Books yesterday even though I was only supposed to stop there to pick a few things up (she found me shelving and trying to sell things to people. Mary and Andrew had to drive me away from the register)
3. Watched “Stardust” with me whilst giving me a head massage (those who know my mother will know how big it was of her to agree to watch “Stardust”)
2. Payed a lot for a manicure/pedicure for me and then apologized when the salon was CRAP even though not only was it NOT her fault but she lost $80 in the bargain (she then proceeded to praise me for complaining to them that they had done a shit job. I should have praised HER for not tipping the bitches)
1. She smiled at me all the way up the front of the security line, even though I could tell she was not in the mood to smile at all. Then she let Emma take her away instead of doing what they all usually do which watch me go all the way through security.

A flight attendant just gave me guava juice!!!!!! YAY, childhood joy!

My father, man of few pleasures and a great deal of yard work, has done some lovely things for me during the last forty-eight hours.

5. Made me pancakes and bacon for breakfast this morning and BLTs for supper last night.
4. Allowed me to prepare an entire meal Wednesday night without once trying to “help” (read: GET IN MY WAY BY FIXING ALL MY “mistakes”) – he even waited patiently for food, which inevitably takes more time to make if I'm making it.
3. Took me hiking out to the beach, reminding me that not only hadn't I been to this beach at all this summer (and it's one of my favorites) but that Emma doesn't need to be with us for us to find every reptile within a mile of the trail (read: three garter snakes and at least two frogs – probably more, sneaky devils)
2. Followed up the hike with a fish and chips feast at our favorite seafood restaurant in Poulsbo
1. Drove me to SeaTac International Airport for the fifth time to send me off to a foreign country even though it gets a little harder to say goodbye each time.

Yeah, I just noticed how three of the five things on my list for Dad involve eating. We do that, the two of us. We try not to tell my mother much about it – it only upsets her.

My sister Emma is invaluable at airports. She gets excessively silly, which is a big help because my parents need a laugh as much as I do. Today I gave her a sweater of mine she has been coveting for some time and she quickly put it and her new green sunglasses on and remarked that she looked like an alien incognito.

EMMA: Surely I look like an Alien Incognito!
TESS: You so do not, and don't call me Shirley!

One of the air hostesses just went by with a hot water bottle. I want one! I suppose I shouldn't complain, though, as I have three seats to myself (which means three pillows, three blankets, and three JejuPureWater bottles). Also an entire emergency exit door.

Among her other talents, my sister is an accomplished departure observer. She's had to do this go-to-the-airport-to-see-Tess-off-AGAIN-and-then-take-care-of-the-parents-aftermath thing five times now. Not to mention the arrival fandangos she has to endure. Having a sister who travels all the time means having a sister who constantly has a WORLD TRAVELER YES SEE HOW I'M IMPRESSIVE sticker on her forehead. I know it gets incredibly tiresome but Emma deals like a pro. Also, she's way cooler than me because she actually has a career IN AMERICA, is only just twenty-one, has a fabulous boyfriend, an apartment, and probably will have the Nobel Peace Prize by the time I get home next summer.

Given that I haven't written anything about the summer, I feel I owe myself an addendum. Also, I'm reading a book about teaching and teachers right now so this list seems appropriate somehow.

THINGS I DID THIS SUMMER.

10. Went to Chicago (wherein I visited my beloved Twi; saw “Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me” recorded live; ate deep dish pizza; stood on thin air; watched fireworks; ate at Korean, Mediterranean, Greek, Mexican, Italian, and possibly Turkish restaurants; found a FABULOUS independent feminist bookstore; went to the Harry Potter Exhibition; and saw more gay men per square mile than I ever have in my life before [seriously, how cute were the ones in matching plaid shirts and blue jeans? SO CUTE!]).
9. Went to the Oregon Coast (wherein I had a Big Beach House Party with at least eleven people, visited my favorite beaches, found my cousin's keys IN THE OCEAN, played excessively with two babies, went to a fair where the horses were all spazzing out and where I saw a reptile exhibit, went swimming in my aunty's pool one last time, provided first aid for my aunty twice, had to reassure her I wasn't traumatized at least a hundred times, and cuddled the old and inferm doggies).
8. Spent the second best 72 hours of my life in Bellingham (wherein I visited Village Books, ate at Dos Padres and the Fish n Chips bus and Little Cheerful, stayed at the Fairhaven Village Inn in a room with a king sized bed, painted a bowl, visited Western, discussed children's lit with my favorite professors for almost two hours, discovered I can't return to Western for grad school and WASN'T UPSET ABOUT IT [no, actually, I'm serious], and walked the boardwalk twice).
7. Went to the midnight release of Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince with my darling sister (wherein there were Smiley and Frowny Face Cookies, Star Wars madlibs, “Blue Harvest” [featuring “Red October, standing by”], several probably-broken fingers owing to “scary parts” making up 99% of the movie, exciting games designed to keep Emma awake until midnight, and getting up four hours after going to sleep to go to work).
6. Working at Eagle Harbors Books all summer (wherein I spent most of my paychecks on books, was shot with rubber bands my Andrew, given books to read by Janis [THANK YOU FOR “CATCHING FIRE”] and articles to read by Mary, helped to rearrange the bookstore which now looks lovely even though none of us can find anything anymore, and helped to build the scariest bookmark tower ever seen right next to a register so that when it inevitably fell it would crush a customer or whomever was at the register).
5. Went to Vancouver Island with my mother (wherein we walked about a hundred miles, stayed at a bed and breakfast by a castle, visited the castle, had high tea, read great books, ate bad chocolate, had a pub lunch at an Irish pub, and saw an IMAX film about Mecca.
4. Had an excessively silly trip to Mount St. Helens with my father and sister (wherein we hiked twice a day, nearly injured ourselves laughing as we told one-word-at-a-time stories, tried to make camp fires, had some INCREDIBLE meals thanks to Pa and Oitle, heard the final installment of a story created by my father for my sister and I when we were little girls [called “Anna and Sarah”], and found every reptile in Gifford Pinchot National Forest ... oh, and found some elk for Dad!).
3. Visited Jen first thing upon my arrival to the US (wherein we read a lot, kayaked a little, drank a whole lot of coffee, cooked glorious food and pastry [almost entirely thanked to the aid of a single shopping trip Jen made to Trader Jo's], sat by the pool and in it, and revisited all our old made-for-TV movie haunts [including “Tenth Kingdom,” “Leprechauns,” and “Alice in Wonderland”]).
2. Spent a glorious day with Annie (wherein almost nothing happened that wasn't book-related and her cat ate my jeans)
1. Really appreciated my family and friends at home for all I was worth (wherein I reminded myself how lucky I am, oh, about once every five minutes every day all summer).

I owe a GREAT DEAL OF GRATITUDE to everyone who helped make my summer vacation an extraordinarily great one (that I still can barely remember because it went by SO SO fast!!!). I miss you, family mine, and dear friends (including the Jens, Annie and Ian, Donna, Mary, Karen, Tank, and Twi), and I can't wait to see you all next summer!! Thank you!

NOTE: Written in-flight. I only just now have access to the internet.

I'm currently cruising at 39,000 feet. I'm very scared. Because of turbulence. It scares the crap out of me. Unfortunately, Japan has a turbulent airspace. On top of that, I'd forgotten what bitches Korean air hostesses consistently seem to be. I'm not sure if Korean Air hires them to be bitches or if it's pure coincidence that every time I've flown Korean Air the hostesses are useless and rude. In my defense, I tried very hard to fly another airline. Next year I will be more prudent and force my boss to buy my ticket at least six months in advance. Maybe then I can fly Asiana!! Yeah, I know, dream on.

Since I have nothing better to do for the next eleven or so hours than complain, I may as well begin this blog that ought to have been done last weekend. Specifically Friday, when dear Julie threw me the going away part of a lifetime. I feel a bit cheap, having a going away party when I will be going away and then coming back, but let's not quibble over insignificant details. Especially when the party makes me feel so thoroughly special and loved.

It began this way:

JULIE: Tess, to help you see everyone in Yeosu before you go away, I have set up a facebook event. It's a party, Tess! A party for you!
TESS: Oh, goody. I expect five or six people who love me tender, love me sweet will come.
JULIE: ... I keep telling you not to drink the expired green tea, but do you listen?
TESS: *humming to self* You have made my life complete, and I love you sooooooo!

We didn't think much of it. We and my five or six friends would go to MY samgiopsal place (if you're even half cool in Yeosu, you have a place to call YOUR samgiopsal place). Then we would venture out to a bar or possibly a coffee shop because you know I'll never get coffee in the states at all, no sir-ee, no ...

Anyway, Ellie and Catherine, my way cool English talkin' coworkers agreed to come and to make a reservation at the restaurant.

ELLIE: Tess, how many people are coming?
TESS: I have no idea because I haven't been checking the event site.
JULIE: Meh. Me neither.
TESS: Four or five people? Maybe two if I am particularly strange this week?
JULIE: Hmm. Perhaps I will check. Just to be safe.
TESS: Good thinking, Batwoman.
JULIE: ...
TESS: *with small sob* No one's coming, are they?
JULIE: *silently indicates list*
TESS: Fifteen??? Fifteen people????
JULIE: I know ...
TESS: Do I even know fifteen people in Yeosu?
JULIE: *slaps sense into Tess*
TESS: Sense stings.

And the numbers continued to go up. Ellie may have had to call and revise our reservation number.

TESS: My samgiopsal place is akin to heaven in many ways. Size is not one of them.
JULIE: So we'll own that restaurant, bitches!
JUSTIN: *appears out of thin air* Owning restaurants is the SHIT, son. Own 'em OLD SCHOOL! Enterprisin' women rock the HOUSE!
JULIE: *sighs* What the hell do I see in that other guy when I've got so much manly badness in front of me?
TESS: *slaps sense into Julie*
JULIE: Ow, my face.
JUSTIN: Ladeez, violence is not the shiz! Unless you're bustin' moves at a national fighting champion!
RUTH: Word, bro!

*Mostly unfortunately, Justin and Ruth vanish in a poof of reality*

JULIE: Still ow my face.

Friday came. I cleaned my classroom for the last time, despite the fact that my last day would be Monday. I had everything all ready for Nastasya's triumphant arrival, little realizing that all my scrubbing and cleaning would go to hell the next day when three students and a baby would come in for an hour and a half and lay waste to my desks and floor. Ah well – they're good kids and that baby was the chubbiest bunch of good sleeping cheer that ever ever was!

We headed for the restaurant around about 8:30. We met an alarming but flattering number of people at Paris Baguette.

ALARMING BUT FLATTERING, etc: Sup, T-money? We dig the pork!
TESS: Likewise.
BRETT: So what's going on?
JULIE: For the love of my face!
CORY: It's a great face.
ALL THE OTHER BOYS IN YEOSU: That Cory charms all the chicks.

(and he does – we all like him. He and Justin will probably have to duel on a show called Yeosu's Next Top Charmer).

So the eight or nine of us went to the samgiopsal place, where it was rumored that others were waiting. What wasn't indicated was that the others had commandeered half the restaurant.

TESS: *slowly gazes upon twenty-one people in attendance* I ... don't understand.
ROSIE: We're hungry, woman. Sit your departing self down!
RUTH: *proudly* Even though illness is setting in, I still came.
JEREMY: Tess, it's been literally months. Rumors of your untimely demise were greatly exaggerated.
JIM: I bought you this coffee cup. It says Tom 'n Toms.
TONY: Check out my bad-ass mosquito racket!
MOSQUITO RAQUET: I fry them bitches!!
TONY: Watch! *flicks racket expertly. An unfortunate mosquito bites the dust in a shower of blue sparks. No, that is not an exaggeration*
TESS: Who let you have that? I mean, how nice ... Lisa will be pleased.
STE: I'm gonna see if I can get Jack to touch it!
JACK: Do I look stupid?? *glares at Tess* Or like I still have overdrafts, which incidentally I don't!
GRACE: Honey, let it go. Tess will too, won't you? *glares*
TESS: Whatever, I'm over it.
ALL: Unlikely.
STE: Fine, Jack, don't touch the racket. Whatever, I don't care.
GRACE: Jack, no, don't -
STE: Yeah, Jack, you don't even want to touch it a little. Heh heh heh.
JACK: Yeah, not even a little ...
STE: So I'll just put it away under the table and -
JACK: Nooo! *touches racket, gives impressive spasm, and falls forward onto the table, narrowly missing the samgiopsal grill*
TONY: *slaps Ste* You shouldn't encourage him.
GRACE: Wake up, my darling!
TESS: Never a dull moment.

Including the above-mentioned folk, Hazel, Cameron, Maedel, and Ollie turned up, as well as Ashanty. Ashanty had some shocking news.

ASHANTY: Tess-uh, you have been promoted to Godmother of my baby, Whiskey Nicholaas Paul (who is not a child, but rather a small fuzzy orange-eared dog in a Hello Kitty sweater – what a confused animal he must be).
RUTH: *former godmother* What???
JUSTIN: Dawg, I been demoted, too.
JEREMY: Wait, that means I'm Godfather now! Hang on! *pulls suit, tie, and large Cuban cigar from small bag under table and quickly changes into them. Then, turning to everyone, he adopts an interesting accent* Ashanty, you come to me, on the day of your daughter's wedding -
ASHANTY: *slaps Jeremy*
JEREMY: *weeps* Ashanty, I coulda been somebody! I coulda been a contender!
JUSTIN: *with incredulous look at Ashanty* Yo, yo, Ash-izzle, this dude's whack. You want your shorty to be raised by crazy people?
TESS: *who has Whiskey in her lap and is reading him “Hop on Pop”* Crazy indeed!
RUTH: *sobbing quietly, whilst nursing an upset stomach with copious amounts of pork* I don't understand how I was demoted.
ASHANTY: Justin spilled your secret.
RUTH: *looks shifty* All lies! How was I to know fan death wasn't a myth?? I hid the bodies!
ASHANTY: *with strange look* Uh, no. I was referring to the time you ate dog.
RUTH: Oh, oh, thank God! I mean, Justin, you fiend! *slaps Justin*
JUSTIN: *rubbing handsome face sadly* Dawwwwwwg, what the diz??

My new friends Sarah and Jen were also there, in a corner.

SARAH: Why did you say we'd come? Everyone here's INSANE.
JEN: Duh, it's the president of the Stare Club's going away party. You're her VP and I'm the event's coordinator. We're obligated.
SARAH: Is it too late to resign?

Robyn, Cory, and Cory's friend were also there and obligingly made upside down faces at me so I could take pictures. Lisa turned up later and fun was had by all for quite some time. I think I ate about five pieces of samgiopsal, which was a shame but unavoidable. It's hard to visit with twenty plus people and eat at the same time. My Yunna was there, too, along with Ellie and Catherine. They were confused by Justin's attempts to charm them, but who isn't really? Bless his buttons.

JUSTIN: T-money, who the heck wears buttons?
JULIE: Incidentally, I know we did little more than sit and stare at each other at the dinner, but you've barely mentioned me at all and it offends me.
TESS: I'm sorry, my love, but I didn't want to -
JULIE: Fine, whatever, I'm over it. Next time, I'll throw a party for ... for ... *casts about for another person* ... for Smoky the Bar.
LISA: (newly arrived) The bar? Don't you mean -
TESS: *quickly* It's to do with wrastlin'. Don't ask, I beg you.

Eventually, we decided it was time to “migrate” and we biz-ounced to various locations including, but not limited to, coffee shops, ice cream shops, and a strip club.

JULIE and ROSE: *look shifty* We deny everything!

I'm sorry, I don't know why there's suddenly a strip club. I guess it's my way. After coffee, ice cream, and a total lack of strip clubs (that I know of ... Brett? Daniel?), we went to Elle Lui for a final lark. Little did I know what was in store or that Crow (the fabulous bar tender who appeared in my New Years Eve post as BAR WENCH, for which I apologize deeply) knew who I was.

CROW: *into microphone* So, I'm told Tess is leaving Yeosu?
TESS: *jumps* Who told? Why is my name on the PA system??
CROW: Tess, front and center!
TESS: What the hell?
JULIE/TONY/LISA: Heh heh heh! Fool you!
TESS: *very red indeed* I'll kill you all later. *goes reluctantly behind bar and manages to trip over the step, making people think she's been drinking a lot*
CROW: Say something nice. You're leaving.
TESS: But ... but I'm coming back ... ?
CROW: Say things. Now.
TESS: Er ... hi?
EVERYONE: *snickering* What an adept public speaker Tess is. It's a wonder she doesn't do this for a living.
CROW: *lets Tess go on in a frankly stupid way for quite some time before taking pity on her* Okay, okay, go sit down so I can do the fire show.
TESS: *glares, still beet-red*
CROW: Oh, settle down. I'll make you a free drink that smells like nail polish remover later.
TESS: *relents* Fine, but only if it tastes like nail polish remover, too.
CROW: It's a deal.

Crow's fire show was incredible and impossible to describe in a blog. Unfortunately, Julie and I made the mistake of sitting very close. We weren't burned when he blew fire but we were actually covered in droplets of alcohol not consumed by the flame.

JULIE: Mmm, eau de vodka.
TESS: That was HOT! I mean, literally!
CROW: Tess, have this drink that I made during the fire show.
TESS: I've never been given the drink made during the fire show before! What a night this is! *takes sip* Oy, this doesn't taste like nail polish remover at all! It tastes like a delicious fruity concoction with just a hint of lemon. I feel jipped.
CROW: Stop your whining, I'll make you nail polish remover later.

We had drinks, hung out, and I was almost strangled by Daniel, the drunken Manchesturian. His happiness was terrifying to behold. How I shall miss it.

We didn't hang out til too late, which was perfect for me. I'm not a go-home-at-5am girl. Unfortunately, I didn't make it out the door without a run-in with Brett, the drunken madman.

BRETT: Tess, why do you have to go?
TESS: Here, have this delicious martini glass of nail polish remover. If I finish it, I'll get a wild hangover.
BRETT: *takes the drink* You know I love a good hangover. And pants. I love pants.
TESS: ... you know, you might try pouring that drink into your mouth instead of onto my shoes. I'm just saying, it'll taste better that way.
BRETT: *continuing to spill drink onto Tess's feet* The thing is, mashed potatoes.
TESS: I see ... I have to go now.
BRETT: *hugs Tess fiercely* Mashed potatoes own my SOUL. Also, come back and take my cat from me.
TESS: I have to go now, much more than I did the last time I said that.
BRETT: *sinks back against bar* Why do they call it Jell-O?

Thank you, everyone, SO SO much for my incredible send-off! I'm gonna miss you all this summer, especially Grace, Maedel, Hazel, and Rosie, who won't be there when I return. You girls are lovely and I'll miss you terribly!! To the latter three – you'd just better come back! Grace, there's no way I won't find you again in the future. You'll never ever escape my clutches I mean friendship. Heh heh heh.

To everyone else, have an incredible summer! I'll keep in touch, that's a promise. See you all in September!!

My friends ... there are no words amazing enough for them. Let me explain:

TESS: I love samgiopsal.
JULIE: I love facebook events.
TESS and JULIE: *speculatively* Hmm ...

Actually, this is what really went down ... after a short interlude.

[insert: TESS as a Bond Girl]
TESS: *sits on shower stall floor in beautiful dress, shaking with fear*
TESS'S BOND: *sits beside her and puts an arm around her* There, there, my love.
TESS: *leans on his shoulder* Hold me.
TESS'S BOND: *starts sucking her finger*
TESS: *removes her finger and pokes him in the eye

...and on a totally different note ...

[insert: STE and his PHONE]
STE: *sits in darkened room, hiding from all the girls infesting his living room*
PHONE: *looks sympathetically back at him but does not speak*
STE: *stares at phone with tears in his eyes* No one knows me like you do!

...and now we can move on.

Except not really because Tony suddenly needs Lisa's computer for midnight lesson planning. It's a hazard of teaching in Yeosu ^_^

The Stare Club
Don't feed the foreigners; they might have swine flu!

Mission Statement: To spread the holy practice of wayguks staring back.

President: Tess
Vice President: Sarah
Secretary: Robyn
Treasurer: Ruth
Events Planner: Jennifer

Headquarters: Enisaafbee Afcee, Eoseodongyee
Club Language: Enisaafbee

Notice From President
Ladies and gentlemen, if you are or have ever been a foreigner living in South Korea, one thing that's impossible to miss is how many Koreans stare openly at you. Some stare out of general curiosity. Others stare in less appropriate ways. It can be incredibly uncomfortable because it's impossible to miss. It's not subtle but rather like being on display in a zoo or department store window.

Our esteemed club has discovered the answer, the solution to being stared at all the time: STARE BACK. We are not, perhaps, the first group of wayguks to discover this secret defense, but we have decided to spread the word of return staring throughout Korea and THE WORLD. We find that staring back has several interesting effects, including the following:

1)Old men turn red and look embarrassed that you've noticed them looking you up and down as though you're a flank steak in a shop window.
2)Disapproving ajeumas and halmonies who are glaring at you (because you are a promiscuous foreigner who might be wearing a bikini, even in winter) can't handle a staring contest and get on with their lives.
3)Young people realize you're staring back and giggle. A lot. They don't dare approach you once they've realized you're not livestock, but in fact, a person.
4)Ajeumas in cars realize you're staring back and wave happily at you. You wind up befriending whole car-fulls of middle-aged people by waving and staring.

Korean staring can feel negative, although sometimes it yields positive results (see example 4). Whether good or bad, South Korea is a straightforward, blunt culture. We of the Stare Club choose to embrace that by being as blatant and direct as our Hanguk hosts.

Manifesto

1.Never instigate staring. Only stare when stared at.
2.Only participate in return staring when in the presence of another Stare Club member. In the unlikely event that you provoke a Korean to approach you with bad one-liners or a mallet, the buddy system may save you. Remember: two stares make a right.
a)Starer may work alone if the total age of the opposer(s) is less than half the starer's age.
3.Opposers must be above elementary age.
a)Unless staring is in groups, and there is pointing and obvious whispering.
b)If a) is true, be kind in staring. Wave and say hello. Building good international relations with the younger generation is important.
4.Members must salute when they meet or pass each other, even if they are driving scooters. Salutes must be initiated and returned in a timely fashion (no more than five minutes between salute and reply salute).
a)Remember special presidential salute and adhere to it with the president/acting president.
5.Members must be able to behave in a crazy and carefree manner without the help of alcohol.
a)Members may be assisted in wild behavior by ice cream, donuts, or vats of coffee.
6.Members will indicate to each other that staring will commence by nodding The Special Nod and saying “Kimchi” loudly. Other members will immediately identify starer and return the stare.
7.To join the Stare Club, prospective members must do the following:
a)Stand in Shinae in a bikini and submit to a pelting with kimchi via spoon (this rule applies to men and women).
b)Prove in front of two Stare Club officers that they have what it takes to be a Stare Club member by demonstrating a spotting and initiation of a return stare. Successful completion of this step may be indicated by any of the following: making new friends with old people, making pervy drunken men trip over themselves, or staring down high schoolers traveling in packs.
8.If any member, including an officer, misbehaves, the punishment will be to stand in Shinae whilst being pelted with cabbages.
a)Disobeying the autocratic demands of the president is grounds for worse punishment.
9.Members must maintain healthy eyesight with the help of vitamin A.
a)Though members are not required to eat kimchi, remember that it's the cure-all in Korea and putting bits of it on your eyes will make them very strong (if you're not blinded by the juices of the kimchi – mmm, juices).
10.The purpose of the club is the spread the Holy Word of the Eyeball.
a)The Holy Eyeball is the moon (it was between the sun and moon. Staring into the sun isn't good for health).
b)Members must respect the Holy Eyeball, wholly.
c)Holy days must be observed on days of Full Moon.
d)Many creatures of the night worship full moons (including Dick Cheney) – members must take necessary precautions to protect themselves whilst out at night. Members may do the following: become vampire slayers, become Democrats, carry pepper spray/lightsabers/call buttons, bring partners who are national jujitsu champions, bring friends who can be used as bait for dark creatures (those friends cannot be members of the Stare Club)

For more information, please read our complete holy text, entitled “Staring Can Work for You!” To decide of a staring lifestyle is right for you, please pay special attention to the chapters entitled “Who the Hell Cares About Scientology!” and “The Hairy Eyeball: A Complete History.”

DISCLAIMER: No Furby McBusters were harmed in the making of this blog!

I promised I'd write this entry for Ruth. I also promised her that if I wildly misrepresent the events of Saturday night, which I did not myself experience, then I'd immediately make changes.

My friend Ruth has a spunky little scooter that is small and bright yellow. It has many interesting features (especially after the aforementioned Scooter Scare), one of which is that the speedometer doesn't actually work. On the other hand, she can't really go more than fifty kph so it's kind of a pointless device anyway. Despite its quirks, Ruth hearts her scooter and takes in on regular inter-district outings.

After her imminent return from Gwangju last Saturday, Ruth took it on one such outing to visit her dear friend Justin.

JUSTIN: Sup, bitches? Back that up!

Ruth had a grand old time. I understand some TV was watched. Three or so hours later, she went out to hop on her scooter and drive her merry self home.

RUTH: My scooter is not where I left it.
JUSTIN: You sure, dawg?
RUTH: It's not like I forgot where I put my scooter!
JUSTIN: Yo, yo, I dizzle that shizzle all the time!
RUTH: You don't own a scooter.
JUSTIN: *tear*

Justin's "scooter" a.k.a. rip-roaring motocycle bit the dust some time ago. It was cruel of Ruth to ficticiously mention it in my blog. Heh heh.

TEN MINUTES LATER: Happens
RUTH: We've been over your entire tiny street with a magnifying glass.
JUSTIN: Biotch, you've got me sold. Yo bike's been HAD!
RUTH: *sigh* Stolen, you mean? Yes, obviously.
THIRTY SECONDS: *pass*
RUTH: *sniffle, sniffle*
JUSTIN: No, ma man, don't drizzle! I got yo back! *looks frantically around in hopes of finding something to avert tearful disaster* Check me out, bro! *puts on clown suit left over from his time in the circus, for he is a man of much life experience*
RUTH: *sniffle, giggle,sniffle*
JUSTIN: *dancing around like MC Hammer because, wearing parachute pants as he is, the temptation is just too much* Yo yo, it's a start! *plays the spoons* Can't touch this!
RUTH: HA! Er, I mean - sniffle sniffle.

SOME TIME: Passes
RUTH: Should we possibly go to the police station down the road now that my sniffles have subsided?
JUSTIN: Tap that! *removes clown costume reluctantly*
RUTH: *taps foot*
JUSTIN: *sighs and removes red nose*
POLICE STATION: Come to me.
POLICE: *looking at Justin the whole time* How can we help you?
JUSTIN: Word, ma brothahs, my shorty Ruth has lost her smokin' hot yellow ride!
POLICE: *ignoring Ruth* Tell us about it.
JUSTIN: Dawgs, for realz, it's RUTH's scooter.
POLICE: We don't acknowledge women. Don't judge our culture.
RUTH: Hi. You'll acknowledge me now.
POLICE: *nervously turning full attention on Ruth* We're not used to women with backbones who are under the age of forty. Lucky for you, we're put off. What can we do for you?

SOME TIME LATER

POLICE: In a bizarre and off-putting twist of fate (for anyone who's ever dealt with the police here) we're going to take you seriously! Climb in our rockin' police ride and we'll go out and search for your scooter personally.
JUSTIN: *squeals like little schoolgirl* Ruth! Ruth! We're gonna ride in a POLICE CAR!!!
RUTH: *stares, wide-eyed and slack-jawed*
JUSTIN: Ahem. I mean, YO YO YO, slam that motha in the dizzle, yo! Word!
RUTH: *sighs in relief and resignation*
POLICE: *high-five Justin* Drop it like it's hot!

POLICE CAR: *cruises Yeoseodong*
JUSTIN: *singing quietly to self* I shot the sheriff, but I didn't shoot the deputy!
RUTH: *has begun to sniffle*
JUSTIN: *very loudly* Chitty bang bang, Chitty chitty bang bang,
we love you. And our pretty
Chitty Bang Bang, Chitty chitty bang bang loves us too.
High, Low, Anywhere we go, on Chitty Chitty we depend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RUTH: *giggles a lot* You're a good person, J-money.
JUSTIN: *reassuringly* Word to ya, R-fizzle!

FIVE MINUTES LATER: Happens
RUTH: Should we have seen something by now?
POLICE: It's only been seven minutes and - hey, there goes a yellow scooter. Very very fast. At 12:30am.
RUTH: Mine. Mine mine mine mine!
POLICE: Hollah!!!!!!!!!!!!!
POLICE CAR: Pulls stunning U-ey and very quickly catches up to the scooter

(as previously mentioned, Ruth's trusty vehicle doesn't ever exceed 50 kph, even on hills)

POLICE: Hit that siren!
JUSTIN: *sticks head out window* Ridin' DIRRRRRTY!

SCOOTER: Huff, puff, too many passengers.
SCOOTER DRIVER: *wets self* My god, I didn't know my country had police!

SCOOTER AND POLICE CAR: Pull over.

POLICE: *pull various weaponry* Get off that rockin yellow ride!
JUSTIN: *rubbing his hands with glee* I bet their FELONS, yo! Felons OLD SCHOOL! Maybe I can jujitsu their sorry asses and -
SCOOTER THIEVES: *quickly reveal themselves to be high school boys with soggy trousers*
RUTH: What the heck?? You boys should be in bed! Maternal instinct!
SCOOTER THIEVES: *weep with fear* We had no idea -
RUTH: There there, don't cry -
SCOOTER THIEVES: - we'd be caught. We've done this so many times!
RUTH: *glowers and gestures for police to proceed* It's your party, cry if you want to.
SCOOTER THIEVES: *do just that*
JUSTIN: Crying is hella spiritual, boys, keep up the good work!
BOYS: *sob and blubber like mama's boys, which given that they're under the age of thirty they probably are*
POLICE: NO SYMPATHY AT ALL. Press charges, pretty lady.
RUTH: Oh, I don't know ... they look pretty pathetic ...

And so, Ruth's scooter returned to her. It still runs, although it's interesting characteristics now also include having to be jump-started to start and choked to be shut off. I think the gas gauge may also be out ...

But it's home safe with mama and may it never have another joyride without her.

Today two funny little Korean things happened. By "Korean things" I mean things that wouldn't probably happen outside Korea because Korea has a Cultural Thumbprint of Uniqueness that couldn't really be replicated elsewhere.

Disclaimer: I am not referring to their paranoic and juvenile dealings with swine flu. In fact, after this disclaimer I'll never speak of Korea and swine flu in my blog ever again because I'm too irritated by their totally shit handling of the whole thing to want to hash it out here.

Funny Little Korean Thing #1

I ventured out for a baguette during my break today. A gaggle of Cute Yougins from my hagwan were waiting for their bus.

CUTE YOUNGINS: Tess-uh! Tess-uh!
TESS-UH: Hello, kids! Will you go home now?
CUTE YOUNGINS: Yes-suh! Tess-uh, hagwan go?
TESS-UH: No, no, I will eat food now and then return to the hagwan.
CUTE YOUNGINS: Very very very very delicious!
TESS-UH: How right you are. Bye!

I wandered away and was just fixin' to turn on my iPod (mmmm, Pussycat Dolls ...) when I heard the patter of tiny feet behind me.

TEDDY (who is four years old): Argh!
TESS: Teddy, go back. The bus will leave without you!
TEDDY: ARGH! *leaps on Tess's leg*
TESS: Oh, dear.
TEDDY: ARGH ARGH ARGH! *pulls up Tess's shirt - fortunately, it is long)
TESS: Off. Now. *removes Teddy and marches him back to bus stop.
TEDDY: *in four-year-old brain* What a fun game I've discovered.
TESS: Homeward I go to -
TEDDY: ARGH! *pokes Tess in the bum*
TESS: For the love of Christ!
AJEUMAS and VARIOUS VEGETABLE-SELLING HALMONIES: Hahahahaha! Silly wayguk!
TEDDY: *in four-year-old brain* Everyone's laughing. Clearly I should continue and - hey, hey wait a minute. I'm upside down. Not good!
TESS: *has lifted Teddy up and thrown him over her shoulder* Bus. Now. Go.
BUS DRIVER (who is new to our hagwan): Huh, that's new. Hand-delivered children.

Teddy's older classmates held him fast whilst he attempted to leap out after me. I half-stumbled, half fled. The ajeumas and halmonies roared with laughter and one slapped my bum, because I hadn't been molested enough already.

Funny Little Korean Thing #2:

I had my favorite class that's not really my favorite because as a good teacher I don't have favorites. Owing to some confusing scheduling, I didn't have a class for them so I thought, "English games day!" Of course, they loved it and immediately split up to play Memory and Go Fish. We were progressing nicely with lots and lots of English and laughing and shouts of dismay and triumph. Then Lily started in:

TED: *flips over two cards* This is a frog and this is a frog!
LILY: *look of abject horror* Oh, my GOD!
CHRISTINA: *flips over two cards* This is butterfly and this is butterfly!
LILY: You are GOD!
TED: It's your turn, Lily.
LILY: *flips over two cards* This is cookie and this is pizza! Where is my GOD?
CHRISTINA: *flips two cards* This is rabbit and this is rabbit!
LILY: Oh, my GODness!

The madness continued with such phrases as "GOD save my game!" and "Goodbye GOD" "I am GOD!" and "Oh shit!" (they don't know what that last one means, they all just say to sound cool).

Whew! Here endeth my third-to-last week. Never a dull moment!

No, not THE Mummy (thank god, no one wants a fully bandaged dead man running around Korea; there are enough weird men here as it is). By Mummy, I mean Mother. Specifically, my mother, who came to Korea back in *checks watch mournfully* January. In my defense ... late January. We had an incredible time, in spite of single-room accommodations, lots of strange food, and not enough hours in the day to walk as much as Mum wanted to. Instead of a chronological account of her visit, I thought I'd record some of the highlights.

HIGHLIGHT #1: In the Bus-suh Tuh-min-al, Gwangju

Unlike lucky Julie, my mummy's flight was actually late arriving in Incheon and she missed her chance to hop on a bus to Suncheon. On top of that she didn't arrive in Gwangju til about 3am. Though our wait was nothing compared to Mum's exhaustive journey, Ji-hyun and I had to do many many things to keep ourselves awake.

JI-HYUN and TESS: *stumble around bus station*
TESS: I feel like we've spent some of our happiest times here.
JI-HYUN: You mean some of our longest hours?
TESS: ...no-gary, no-gary wants YOU!
JI-HYUN: *slaps Tess because ours is an abusive relationship* Don't sing about fish, what if one of our students' parents is here??
TESS: ... two hours from Yeosu in a bus-suh tuh-min-al at 2am?
JI-HYUN: ... *slaps Tess*

My mum, however long she had to fly across the ocean and sit on a bus, is a woman of many, many resources. One that is Korea-specific is being an ajeuma (middle-aged woman who demands respect simply by being a certain age). Unlike most ajeumas, however, my mother is to be respected and admired for owning her age, looking classy at all times, and learning very quickly to use her power in Korea.

IN INCHEON
MUM: Have landed in Korea. Need to call Tess.
OLD MAN: I'm just chillin in the airport ... hey, an American ajeuma.
MUM: Um ... phone please? *disarming smile*
OLD MAN: *is tickled senseless and immediately hands over his phone*

IN BUS
MUM: Crap. I'm on a bus, but not the one to the slightly-closer-to-Yeosu city which name currently escapes me.
YOUNG WOMAN: Rockin out to my iPod, bitches!
MUM: ...phone please? *disarming smile*
YOUNG WOMAN: My god, an ajeuma! A wayguk ajeuma! Jesus, lady, you can have anything you want!! *immediately hands over her phone*

IN GWANGJU
MUM: I think I might be in a bus station ... but I don't see my daughter.
YOUNG MAN, LITTLE GIRL, and OLD LADY: It's sketch, but we're hanging round a bus terminal at 2am.
MUM: *to YOUNG MAN* Phone, please? *disarming smile*
YOUNG MAN: Jeepers! *hastily shoves phone at her*
MUM: *phone rings but no answer* Crap! Where is Tess?? *turns to little girl* Phone please?
LITTLE GIRL: Miguk miguk miguk!!!! *immediately hands over phone*
MUM: *phone rings but no answer* Crap! Where is Tess again? *turns to old lady* Phone please?
OLD LADY: Oh, no! Can't choose. Am also ajeuma so technically don't have to share phone. But this other ajeuma is so darned cute ... guh! *stumbles and throws phone at Mum*
MUM: Tess? My god are you there?
TESS: *slurring with exhaustion and just maybe, drink* You're alive? *bursts into tears* Tell me what you see, don't move, and I'll come to you!

I then shamed myself by falling all over her and then falling asleep on her in the van on the drive home. Whilst a mumbled and dribbled, my cheerful, world-traveling mama sat up talking to Ji-hyun. Because she is my mother, she did not hold my bad behavior against me.

HIGHLIGHT #2: Jimjilbong

My beloved mother is a small woman but ridiculously lean and muscly owing to a lifetime of jogging and yoga. It has to be said that she is wonderfully supportive of all body types, but by existing puts my sister and I (both tall and "big boned") to shame. Fortunately, running around naked in jimjilbong is something I've done regularly since arriving in Korea and I don't even remember I'm naked most of the time anymore. So when I took my mother, who was giddy with excitement because in Seattle going to a Korean spa is monstrously expensive, I was able to enjoy her reactions undistracted by how not-good my body is, especially compared to hers.

MUM: So we put all our clothes in this tiny locker?
TESS: No, Mummy, because people can still see us. This is a shoe locker. Use this bracelet on your wrist to open the door.
MUM: I see *breaks bracelet open and tries to hot wire the locker door*
TESS: Um, just touch the bracelet to the door like this.
MUM: Remarkable technology!
TESS: How did you learn to hot wire a door?
MUM: Since you've been gone I've been trying to take an interest in your father's hobbies.
TESS: ... which include hot wiring?

*ten minutes later*

MUM: This is our clothes locker? My god, it's huge!
TESS: Indeed. Now you can take off all your clothes.
MUM: Right-o.
TESS: I'm so glad you're not uncomfortable!
MUM: Are you kidding? This is great! Show me baths now.
TESS: Just a minute ... need to get my bath kit.
MUM: A kit, you say?
TESS: Yes *holds up loofah*. I'll scrub your back later if -
MUM: *grabs Tess's arm* Talk later. Back scrub now.

*ten minutes later*

MUM: Wow! Every-conceivable-aged woman is in here!
TESS: Indeed.
MUM: My goodness, is that a ninety-year-old?
TESS: Indeed.
MUM: *watches ninety-year-old spring into tub, even though she's bent almost double with age* I only hope I'm half that agile someday ...
TESS: Indeed.
MUM: *notices child clinging to pregnant mother* Oh, what an adorable little girl.
TESS: Indeed ... though I should just mention that's a little boy. Koreans treat their children as genderless as long as possible.
MUM: I see ...

*ten minutes later*

MUM: Why look, it's Julie and some other person I haven't met before!
(the beautiful) KERRIE: Sup, mama W?
JULIE: Why, Ruth, I haven't seen you since Emma's graduation. You were so ... fully clothed then.
MUM: Don't let it bother you, dear. If you'd been Tess's friend growing up, I might have changed your diaper at some point.
JULIE: ... let's all climb in this purple pool with lots of bubbles.

*ten minutes later*

TESS: Having a nice soak, Mummy?
MUM: Yes, dear. That claw-footed tub at home will never satisfy me again. And these jets are to die for!
TESS: Agreed, although for some reason I get a funny bumpy rash on my back for about an hour after.
MUM: Oh, my poor eldest girl! Let me look.
TESS: *sniffles* Mummy's taking care of me.
OTHER FOREIGNERS IN VICINITY: Yeah, rub it in a little.

*ten minutes later*

TESS: *sitting at scrubbing station armed with loofah* Mum, if I scrub any more you won't leave here with a back.
MUM: *growls menacingly*
TESS: *hastily resumes scrubbing* How about a soothing shoulder rub?

My mummy loved the jimjilbong and I'm very sorry for her that I didn't take her more than once. I suppose it's that much more incentive for her to come see me next year ^_^

HIGHLIGHT #3: Walking All Over

Though it was the dead of proverbial winter, my mother never ran out of walking energy. You may think I'm complaining, but in fact, thanks to her, I saw a way lot of everything that I might not have seen. Also, my mother was, for her entire visit, in this wonderful frame of mind where she respected me as an adult and didn't try to force me to do anything. As a result, I basically did everything she wanted to (as opposed to that childish side of me that might have rebelled outright against everyone, had she tried to make me).

We climbed Goobongsan Mountain. We hiked from Yeoseodong to Shinwholdong to Shinae (yeah, try it, punks!). We walked from Ocean Resort to Yeochun. We covered most of Gyeongju on foot. When I wasn't with her, my mother probably walked all that stuff again.

And I have to say, it was pretty damn fabulous! Though freezing, the sun was out 90% of the time. Amazing, right?

HIGHLIGHT #4: Mum Meets Oma

Ji-hyun's mother nearly exploded when she heard my mother was coming. She cackled with glee. She gave keening cries of rapturous joy. She hit me a lot, as she does when excessively excited. And she christened my mother Tessoma (Tess Oma, meaning Tess's mother) because the alternative was her and her husband (who, weirdly, I call haraboji, even though that means grandpa, not father) calling my mum Lutah because her name is so hard to say. These are some of the things Oma said to Mummy.

OMA: *takes one looks at Mum and immediately takes her home* *in Korean* Eat, you lovely scrawny mother of Tess. Eat lots of food that's good for health! I'm sorry it's not more gourmet.
MUM: Wow! This is amazing!
JI-HYUN: *in Korean* Mom, she loves it!
OMA: *bursts into happy tears* *in Korean* You're so polite, Tessoma! I know it's rubbish.
JI-HYUN: *translates*
MUM: *confused* I'm completely serious, though ...

later

OMA: *pets Mum's arm* *in Korean* I cried every day that my little Ji-hyun was in England. She was there a whole year.
JI-HYUN: *translates*
MUM: Oh, that's so sweet. What a good mother you are!
OMA: *pets Mum's arm* *in Korean* I bet you cry every morning when you wake up and realize Tess is so far away.
JI-HYUN: *translates*
MUM: Er ...
TESS: *stuffing her face with Korean pizza, to prove to Oma that she does in fact eat enough - it's a lost cause because Oma will always believe Tess is malnourished* Don't worry, you can be honest, Mummy. It would be weird if you cried, though that in no way diminishes my knowledge of your love for me.
JI-HYUN: *surprised* You don't cry everyday?
MUM: Umm ... no?
JI-HYUN: *translates*
OMA: ... you are a strong-hearted woman!
JI-HYUN: *translates*
MUM: *glances at Tess* Do they often give you too much credit for everything you do here?
TESS: *shrugs and continues to stuff face* Why fight the system? I've never felt so validated in my life.

Oma was overwhelmingly generous to my mother, for which my mother thanked her by later sending some nice gifts. If, Mummy dear, you could have seen the reactions of Oma and Haraboji ... ^_^

HIGHLIGHT #5: Busan and Gyeongju

Mum and I took a small roadtrip, which was super fun and very exciting for me. My first trip to Korea was actually seven years ago when I was sixteen. I was given the extraordinary opportunity to fly here practically for free and help at an English camp at Donguuk University in Gyeongju. I was way excited to take my mum there.

TESS: And there's the university and the national museum which might still be free and the fish ladies who stole Ruby when she was ten and the train station where Danielle and I posed with a Central Market bag and a river and the twin summits and -
MUM: Oh, that's nice, dear.

My mother was preoccupied. She explained why as we ate tasty soup at the Busan bus-suh tuh-min-al.

MUM: Tess, I just don't understand how your friend Lisa could have stayed at the Gyeongju Hilton for $100 a night. My common sense and this Lonely Planet guide book say it isn't so.
TESS: All right, so let's let it go and stay somewhere else. I promise you, though, Lisa doesn't lie. If she says she did it, trust that she did.
MUM: It's gonna really bug me now.
TESS: *sigh*

Meanwhile, we had a nice stay at a small hotel in the center of town. By mistake, we took a taxi less than a block to get there from the bus station because our map was confusing. I tried to pay for things and failed.

TESS: Um, let me pay for some of this trip, Mummy. I've been saving for it.
MUM: Grr ...

In between worrying about the Hilton, we had a great time. We found a really excellent tourist info center which told us all about the AMAZING English-labeled buses all over Gyeongju, the burial mounds in town, the museum, Bulgoksa, and Seokguram. We were thrilled that we could walk and bus literally everywhere. The first day, we saw the most amazing burial mounds (literally like small mountains), the national museum, and all the amazing sidewalks for walking everywhere.

But the Hilton ...

MUM: Look, I know you think I'm obsessing but I'm really curious. Let's go stay in the tourist district anyway and just see if the Hilton is really expensive.
TESS: Cool. Biz-ounce.

*one bus ride later, standing in the tourist info center*

MUM: We passed a lot of really nice hotels on the way in. Hopefully we can afford one of them.
TESS: And by we you mean you because you're too darn generous to your undeserving daughter for your own good?
MUM: I wouldn't have put it quite that way.
NICE TOURIST INFO LADY: The Hilton is 121.000 won a night.
MUM: Hot damn!
TESS: What? But the book says -
MUM: Let's go!

*one long walk and outdoor sculpture park later, we stumbled upon the MASSIVE GLAMOROUS HILTON in our backpacker gear*

MUM: *at reception* Hello, how much for two nights?
FRONT DESK: We'd like to blow your mind by charging less than $100 a night.
MUM: *does victory dance*
TESS: What? Really? The Hilton?

And so, because my mother loves me so much that she literally chased down the Hilton, I got to spend two nights in solid luxury after months of a one-room where entire bathroom doubles as a shower stall and I practically sleep in my kitchen. My mother, you see, wouldn't normally give a damn about the Hilton. She's happy to be comfortable in a normal hotel. But because she knew I've been living much more simply than I ever have before, she fixed up this nice treat for me. She took me to happy hour and let me order room service. When I got shin splints she gave me foot/leg massages. She let me feast on the incredible breakfast buffet. She let me drag her all the way out to Donguuk University and take a million unnecessary pictures of all the stuff I TOTALLY remembered from living there seven years ago. She was very patient when I started hobbling because even my best walking shoes weren't enough for the shin splints and she didn't laugh when my jeans shredded from the hike down Seokguram.

My mother, ladies and gentleman, is a rock star.

EMMA: *bitterly from America* And it's because of brown noser journal entries like this one that you're the favorite daughter.
TESS: No, dear, it's because I make myself scarce 90% of the time. Long absences are key!!
EMMA: Huh. I think I'll go to D.C. sometime soon.
TESS: That's the spirit!

HIGHLIGHT #6: Getting my mum on a scooter ...

HA! Unlikely! She found a way to distract me from that idea the entire time she was here.

HIGHLIGHT #7: Seeing my mother

I've never been away from my mom so long in my entire life. Sure, I can Skype, but nothing compares to having her with me. Apart from taking me to the Hilton, she bought me a bookshelf, read aloud to me from children's books, watched loads of Star Trek with me (and mostly stayed awake!), made me coffee all the time (and herself too, to be fair ^_^), brought me dark chocolate, made me breakfast, insisted on paying for a ton of stuff even though she was the one who had to fly halfway around the world, tucked me in every night, and came into a bunch of my classes to help me teach.

Actually that was hilarious!

STUDENTS: OMG OMG OMG!!! Look, it's Tessoma!!
MUM: *in friendly, approachable Mum way that draws many to her* Hey, kids.
STUDENTS: *with mouths a-gapin'* Wow ...

They LOVED her and talked about her visit for weeks after.

So did I, and still do.

Thank you so much for coming, Mummy. I love you.

P.S. "It was breakfast time, and everyone was at the table. Father was eating his egg. Mother was eating her egg. Gloria was sitting in a high chair and eating her egg, too. Frances was eating bread and jam."

To Mother: Frances will be home soon and expecting her usual ^_^ In exactly a month and a day. Prepare!

...last January. I know - it's a sad, telling day for me as a journaler (journalista? no, perhaps not). Many people have arrived in Yeosu of late (and by "of late", I mean since January or so): Jeremy, Ruth, Brett, Cory, Justin (aka Furby McBuster), Ashanty, to name a few. Lots of fabulous people have been filling the wayguk (foreigner) ranks here and generally making merry since the winter.

Not the least important of these arrivals is my beloved Julie, my roommate and Harry-Potter-loving cohort from the days of college. Little we thought we'd ever work together right after we'd both completed our B.A.(s), let alone halfway round the world. In fact, I think both of us kind of assumed the whole "Julie, Come to Korea" thing was a bit of a fantasy until suddenly my boss, who wisely decided to hire the aforementioned Julie, had bought the plane tickets.

JI-HYUN: *frantically flicks through Expedia, Orbitz, and Travelocity* Tess, help! I mostly don't know what the hell these websites are on about. What's "non-refundable"?

I'm still not clear on why she wasn't just going with Korean Air. I like to not push her on certain things, though, because mostly I just confuse her when I am curious.

TESS: Ji-hyun, why is blonde hair so coveted in Ye Olde Korea?
JI-HYUN: It's very beautiful.
TESS: But it's so common. Many millions have blonde hair.
JI-HYUN: *incredulously* It's beautiful.
TESS: Yes, but not unique or exotic, especially. I mean, outside Korea.
JI-HYUN: *rolling her eyes* But it's BEAUTIFUL.
TESS: Oh ...

Somehow, against all odds, Julie made it to Korea.

JULIE: Against what odds? *balls fists* You thought I'd wimp out, didn't you?
TESS: I have to go tend my ... er, goodbye.

I'm the cause of much anxiety and irritation amongst my acquaintance, owing to my tendency to exaggerate or overstate everything.

AND THEN JULIE ARRIVED IN AIR FORCE ONE.

See what I mean?

In fact, Julie pulled into Gwangju on a bus from Seoul. My boss was very nervous. Her two little children could tell but as usual they just kind of assumed their mummy was insane and amused themselves with their favorite entertainment center - moi.

JENNY: You bring cards?
ALVIN: You bring bubble gum?
JENNY: Count in Spanish!
ALVIN: Where is my shoe?

My boss pretended to hire me as a teacher but what she was really doing was hiring a road trip nanny. I'm not complaining, really. They're great kids and mostly they get whatever they want from me because I can't stand children being ignored by adults. What adults who are parents know is that constantly trying to entertain the children instead of forcing them to develop their own resources leads to parental exhaustion and spoiled children. Why do I ignore this easy axiom even though I know better, you ask? Because I am a fool.

JENNY: Buy fuzzy pencil.
ALVIN: Find books on Obama. With pictures.
JENNY: Water.
ALVIN: Carry me on your back.
JENNY: Thumb war!

I love the kids.

At the Gwangju Bus-suh Tuh-min-al (a two-hour drive from Yeosu) we waited In Suspense for the arrival of Julie. I'd like to add at this time that we had absolutely no idea if Julie had found her bus at Incheon Airport, arrived at Incheon Airport in the first place, or was even on the right side of the Pacific Ocean.

Julie wasn't sure, either.

JULIE: I'm on a bus. I could be going anywhere. I think I'm going to Gwangju. But maybe I was supposed to go to Gyeongju? Or Geonggi? Or Gimpo? Is this even Korea? HELP ME, TRAVEL GODS!
RICK STEVES: Sorry, I don't do Asia yet.

The good news was that we found out from information that Julie's flight arrived at Incheon almost an hour early.

JI-HYUN: ????
BRUCE (chauffeur/husband of Ji-hyun): ???
JENNY and ALVIN: Hanging around bus stations is LAME!

We thought we were an hour too early for the bus. As it turned out, we weren't. Julie's bus was pulling into the terminal just as we were trying to decide whether to stay or go. Fortunately, we stayed.

The shameful fact is that my boss saw Julie before I did. I would defend that my boss was far more worried about Julie than I was because I know well of Julie's travel experience and level of competence. This is what happened.

JI-HYUN and TESS: *are sitting on a bench*
JI-HYUN: I am so nervous. Will Julie hate Korea and go home tomorrow?
TESS: She is not skittish. Perhaps you should meet her yourself before you worry about stuff.
JI-HYUN: Is she very beautiful?
TESS: Yes. She ought to be wearing a white winter coat which will accent her white winter skin. You'll enjoy the whiteness, I think.
JI-HYUN: *eyes glaze over* She's so whiiiiiite ...

(an aside: pale skin is a big deal in Korea. It's part of a cultural fixation the way tans are in the US. Both ridiculous? You bet!)

TESS: Look, I think a bus from Seoul has just pulled up -
JI-HYUN: *is gone*
TESS: - and I'm all alone, what? *searches for Ji-hyun and at last finds her swimming through crowd of exhausted bussers*
TESS: I think we could just wait here -
JI-HYUN: WHITE COAT!
TESS: Gad zooks, so it is!
JI-HYUN: *approaches tall brunette who is just securing her guitar and breathlessly says* Are you ... JULIE????
BRUNETTE: My god, I'm in the right place???
TESS: *shrieks and startles many tired Koreans* JULIE!!!!!
JULIE: *shrieks and startles Ji-hyun* TESS!!!

There was a lot of hugging and Julie being very relieved that she was in the right place. I think it took her about a week to become fully convinced that she was, in fact, in the right place. When I kept turning up at her apartment in the early afternoon with demands that she eat strange food and then come to work, please, she became resigned - er, convinced.

And now she's been here for over three months. It's unbelievable how fast time has gone by!

A very belated WELCOME TO KOREA, MY BELOVED JULIE!!!!!

Nastasya returns to the motherland known as Korea this June. There will be parades in the street. A special day called Mingstasya Day is being haled by all with (at least) a four-day weekend. The holy gates shall open and little naked angels will dance about and make everyone in Korea supremely uncomfortable (except the children and old ajeumas, who will stare and stare and stare).

The wayward Minguk will be carried forth from Seoul, wherein he is suffering from some servitude, in a giant goblet of pudding. He will be placed in front of Nastasya as an offering of ... well, of Korean boy covered in pudding. I leave the rest to the imaginations of my overpoweringly innocent readers. Heh heh heh.

Oh, except not really because I'm supposed to project about Nastasya's visit. Or bits of it. How about my top five ...

SCENARIOS IN WHICH NASTASYA WILL LIKELY BE INVOLVED

#1. A Violent Explosion of Violence Involving Settlers

NASTASYA: I love this game!
LISA aka KIM JONG-LISA: *cracking knuckles* Oh, yes, I know.
JULIE aka JULIE PUTIN: Freakin' west! Keep your capitalism to your freakin selves!
MAEDEL aka MAEDEL THATCHER: I can't play unless there's drunkenness.
TONY aka IDI AMIN: I'm sneaky. I build super long roads.
BRETT aka BRETT W. BUSH: Skin a byotch!!!!!
TESS (formerly TESS CHENEY but now turned BARESS TOBAMA): *sigh* I'm so over that Bush/Cheney thing ... also, I'm not supposed to be here but in fact home in the States. Good day to you.
GRACE aka GRACE BIDEN: Wait, I can't cope by myself!!! Owing to unfair circumstances I'm a barely competent V.P. Tobama! Come back!
NASTASYA: I'm confused by the sudden influx of world leaders/dictators. Who am I?
LISA: Heh. Heh. Heh. Lord Voldemort.
NASTASYA: I'll show YOU a Dark Mark - on your FACE!

#2. Nastasya Will Be Very Surprised at her New Job

BOSS: So, here at the hagwan you'll notice that we're typically fairly laid-back and we eat a lot.
NASTASYA: I dig it, yo!
BOSS: Though several of your coworkers are in no way English speakers, they are friendly and kind and will only talk about you behind your back most of the time. Don't worry, it's not like you'll know.
NASTASYA: I'm not terribly concerned by ajeuma gossiping. What I don't know won't hurt me.
JULIE and TESS: We often think this ourselves. The flip side is that we speak English very fast and no one else really does.
ELLIE: Oy!
TESS AND JULIE: ... failing that, we tick everyone else by speaking French and Spanish simultaneously.
BOSS: Freakin hate that. Oh, and here's a ruler.
NASTASYA: ... ?
BOSS: To discipline the children.
NASTASYA: Make them draw 100 straight lines on the board if they're naughty?
BOSS: No, to beat the crap out of their poor little hands.
NASTASYA: Oh. Excuse me. *throws ruler into nearby furnace, which for some reason is burning midsummer*
BOSS: Damn. We couldn't trick Julie or Tess into that, either.
NASTASYA: Color me surprised.

#3. Many Folk Travel To Gwangju for a Dance Extravanza

JULIE: Rock the lockin ... sock the frockin' ... mock the rockin' ...
TONY: I fucking hate men! And JANG!!!!!!! Oh, she makes me so - look, a man being a man! I'm gonna beat the shit out him! Come 'ere, you great bastard!
LISA: Fuss fuss. Where is everyone? Is Julie running away? Tony, stop that. You'll be unhappy if you break a finger on someone's nose. Minguk, you only had a sip of beer. You shouldn't be vomiting everywhere. Oh, no, WHERE'S TESS????????????????? WHO WILL I HUG REPEATEDLY NOW?
TESS: *from across Pacific* Be strong, my darling!!
NASTASYA: .... I don't remember Gwangju being this schizophrenic last time ... why are you all insane?
MINGUK: Marry me!!!!!!!!!!! I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!
STE: *uncomfortably* Please let go of me. I want us not to be awkward tomorrow. Your beloved is ... elsewhere.
LISA: Ste, you don't belong here. Who's at home with Bilbo?
BILBO BAGGINS-CLARK: All by myseeeeeeeeelf! Don't wanna be ...

#4. Nastasya Lives in the Abode of Tony, Ste, and Lisa

STE: Welcome. Don't feed the dog.
TONY: Watch ON STYLE with me! We can paint at the same time as we watch Tim Gunn!
LISA: Help me redecorate my room! And build a bookshelf! And entertain the Yeosu multitudes.
NASTASYA: Living with you lot's going to be a trip, I can tell already. *notices Domino's box* Mmm, pizza! *lifts slice to mouth*
BILBO BAGGINS-CLARK: *belly crawls across floor*
EVERYONE BUT NASTASYA: *simultaneously slow-motion dive* Nooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!
NASTASYA: ... where's my pizza?
BILBO BAGGINS-CLARK: *sliding away on his belly and smacking his lips* Lightning Lips strikes again!
NASTASYA: *sadly* I'm going to be very hungry this summer.

#5. Tess and Nastasya Meet for Approx. Five Minutes in Passing

JUNE 19TH: Sup?
NASTASYA: Tess!!!!!!
TESS: *passes with all her luggage* Nastasya!
NASTASYA: It's been so great catching up!
TESS: I feel like we've really connected. Let's do this again some time!
NASTASYA: Oh, for sure!

I can't wait to see you, Nastasya, even for five minutes!

Lisa and I have an absolutely absurd time every time we go to the bank together. More specifically, every time we go to KEB, the Bank of Supposed Korean Expat Champions (which would actually be BOSKEC).

TIME the FIRST: WE ATTEMPT TO PROCURE ACCOUNTS

LISA: Tess, do we have everything?
TESS: I think so.
LISA: Run through the checklist.
TESS: Alien IDs?
LISA: Check.
TESS: Little green masks and antenna and copies of "E.T."?
LISA: *slaps TESS* Be serious, we're banking!
TESS: *slaps self* Normal American drivers licenses, just in case?
LISA: Check.
TESS: Bottled water, for the purposes of hydration in case we're stuck there for several hours?
LISA: Check.
TESS: Good books, in case we have to spend the next thirty years waiting in line?
LISA: Check.
TESS: Ajeuma detector?
LISA: ... ?
TESS: *tapping foot* Ajeuma detector?
LISA: ... ?
TESS: *sighs and pulls out a Device* I made it myself from pipe cleaners, a metal clothes horse, and several packs of gum. It can detect snooping ajeuma at ten paces. You know, in case they wander over and try to read our bank books.
EVERY FOREIGNER IN YEOSU: It's their way!!!!!
LISA: I see. It looks like a metal detector.
TESS: I had very little tim;, I wasn't thinking of aesthetic value.
LISA: I see. All right, check.
TESS: Money?
LISA: *holds up fistful* Check.
TESS: I think we're set.
SOMETIME LATER: *arrives*
TESS: ... for an expat friendly bank, KEB has absolutely no English at all.
LISA: That's because we're in Yeosu, genius. Their idea of an expat is someone who's relocating from Seoul.
TESS: Shrewd argument.
NICE TELLER LADY: IDs, please.
LISA and TESS: *hold out Alien IDs. LISA wrestles E.T. bobblehead out of TESS'S hands*
NICE TELLER LADY: Passports?
LISA: Here.
TESS: God damnit!!!

For you see, in all our careful planning, it never occurred to me that they might need to know where we came from prior to living as Aliens in Korea. Sigh. I did not get my KEB account that day, nor my shiny VISA debit card. Lisa did.

TESS: You suck.
LISA: *caresses shiny new VISA debit card* Happy days ... happy days ... happy days, we're goin' all the way! ... Wanna get hot dogs?
TESS: Whatever, trying to win me over with vittles.
FIVE MINUTES LATER: *arrives*
TESS: *clutching hot dog* Ohhhhh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you!

TIME the SECOND: TESS ATTEMPTS TO PROCURE AN ACCOUNT WHILST LISA ATTEMPTS TO PROCURE OTHER STUFF

LISA: Checklist again.
TESS: What's the point? I know, thanks to hours of agonizing about my own stupidity, what I need this time.
LISA and TESS: Here we are again.
NICE TELLER LADY: Jesus. I need a raise.
LISA and TESS: Please, can I have ___________________ (insert requests)?
NICE TELLER LADY: Alien IDs?
LISA and TESS: Check.
NICE TELLER LADY: Pens to sign away your life with?
LISA AND TESS: Check.
NICE TELLER LADY: Passports?
TESS: Check.
LISA: Shit!

The lesson we ought to be learning is that we shouldn't go to the bank together anymore. Instead, we're conditioning ourselves to think that banking leads to hot dogs.

A week ago Sunday we all had a roast. That is to say, some of us had one. For you see, some of us actually showed up. Others copped out. Others claimed not to have been invited. Others thought they hadn't been invited, realized that in fact they had, and cried themselves to sleep with the smell of garlic mashed potatoes taunting them brutally.

I think what happens that causes these completely random feasts is that there are many Britains in Ye Olde Yeosu. They pine for things like bangors and mash, pudding, and haggis (yes, a few of those Britains are from Scotland and by a few I mean Oliver, who claims to be from Aberdeen which is also a small WA state town of depressing consequence and little but an excellent Mexican food supplier to its name). Anyway, we (fortunately) totally lack haggis here in Korea (shocking I know) so instead we settle with roast fowl.

Robyn was invited to this roast. She herself was apparently unaware of the invitation and so, to bring her a bit of sunshine and merriment, I am going to write her in.

CUT TO LARGE KITCHEN. A SPIT HAS BEEN DUG IN THE MIDDLE OF IT. A CHEERY FIRE IS BLAZING AND THE COOKS AND DOING A CELEBRATORY COOKING DANCE, TO ASK THE GODS TO TENDERIZE THE MEAT AND NOT BURN THE VEGGIES.

ROBYN: *who dangling over the spit on a long pole and being slowly rotisseried*
ROSE: *disappointedly dancing round the fire* I was under the impression that we were roasting fowl; specifically, these chickens I bought from E-mart.
TESS: *rolling her eyes - she has experience with E-mart's idea of a large chicken, you see* Yeah, chicks you mean. No, no, this ROBYN I caught will do nicely.
ASHANTY: Heehee, punny.
ROBYN: *sweating a bit round the collar and sneezing as Lisa sprinkles pepper on her* While I agree that I'm much tastier and would provide a larger meal than the fowl previously mentioned, I would like to say that I'm less happy this is a Robyn roast now that I'm actually here.
TONY: Don't be picky. It's not our fault you meant a roast as in a Robyn joke-fest with funny pictures of you and stories of your misdeeds.
ROBYN: *shiftily* Misdeeds. I have no idea what you mean.
TESS and ASHANTY: Heh heh. We do. Herd of chickens.
ROBYN: I take it back. I don't want to be in this sketch anymore.
STE and OLLIE: *who are tying various vegetables for roasting onto her legs and arms* Don't leave now. Stay a while. For dinner.

Okay, obviously, we didn't roast and eat Robyn although this blog would be a hell of a lot more interesting if we had. Instead, we lamented her absence and carried on with the real roasting ... of actual fowl. Sigh.

LISA: You're no fun anymore.
TESS: Oh, Martin.

Rose did the bulk of the roasting, as the roast was her idea. I made cookies and brownies and helped stuff the AMAZING stuffing into the chickens. Mmm ... stuffing.

TESS: *sitting her chicken up in the pan and waving its arms around* Dancing queen! Young and sweet, only seventeeeeeeeeen!
ROSE: ... ew.
TESS: What? What? Want a piece of this? *punches Rose's chicken with her chicken's stubby chicken arm*
ROSE: ... ew, and also, take that! *punches back*
SOME TIME: *passes*
ASHANTY: *bursts in* Photo op!
TONY: *from living room couch* I'm hungry, enough chicken boxing already!

Cooking commenced. I find at these gatherings there are the cooks, the helps, and the observers. The cooks, obviously, make the food. The helps do dishes, help make food, and generally make the cooking space possible for the cooks to work in. The observers pop in every ten minutes or so to make sure everyone's working efficiently and to taste test. To be fair, most of us rotate through the three fairly consistently. Most of us.

BRETT: Tess, I've noticed a total lack of garlic in those mashed potatoes.
TESS: Have you?
BRETT: *locating spoon* I have. I've also noticed that you've added enough butter.
TESS: Have you?
BRETT: Here is a garlic press for you.
TESS: Oh, really?
BRETT: Please stand aside so I can taste test some more. I'm not sure these are up to par.
TESS: *adds garlic* Hmm. The garlic did help. Now, the sink is full of dishes and the garlic press should probably be washed soon ...
BRETT: I have to go play video games now. Please ring the dinner bell when you've finished here.

Soon dinner was ready and we all sat down to a hearty meal.

BILBO BAGGINS-CLARK: *tail a-wagging* Oh, yuuum! What a feast! Oh, I can barely contain my - hey, hey I'm in the air. The food is fading into the distance. Oh, no! Master Ste has foiled me again! Into the bathroom I go.

The food was delicious and very roast-like, considering we live in Korea where their roasts involve a ceaseless supply of kimchi and rice.

TESS: *tastes stuff* Oh, dear. Oh, dear dear dear.
ROSE: What? What's wrong? Is it burnt?
TESS: No, I think it's potentially toxic. I'd better put it all on my plate so no one else is harmed. As I have already been exposed, I'll finish it off. It's a sacrifice I'm very willing to make. It's for everyone's good. You're lucky to have a giving friend such as myself.
EVERYONE: We sense from your total lack of subtlety that this is the best stuffing ever to be eaten.
STUFFING: *is gone five minutes later*
LISA: *patting Tess's arm* This is why you never win at Settler, my friend.
JULIE (a.k.a. Vlad Putin): Yeah! Ha! Show you!
TESS: *remembering previous round of Settlers, in which she and Grace became Obama and Biden, with Brett still making a tremendous contribution as George W.) D'oh!

It was a lovely evening, with food and a lot of lying around groaning afterward (I know what Julie is thinking right now - stop it immediately ^_^!). There were also a lot of video games, which was a shame, especially since I played approximately once and got run over by George W's buggy. It was not a good time.

Oh, Mina and Azeem livened everything up throughout the evening.

1. MINA: *strokes Tony's hair* Oh, Tony, let me feel your hair.
TONY'S HAIR: You'll want to look out, I'm long and ...
MINA'S HANDS: And that's a breast or two.
TONY: Hey, those are mine!

2. AZEEM: Tess, you lazy object. *sits on her*
TESS'S TICKLISH SPOTS: Danger, danger, Will Robinson.
TESS: *has the mother of all spaz attacks and her flailing nearly maims several persons in the vicinity*
AZEEM: *from across apartment, where Tess's flailing has thrown him* Ow, my ow.

To those who attended and read my blog ... what am I leaving out? I know there're several things.

This is for my beloved Tony, who is a sick sick girl (especially so at the moment). Last Friday was a truly silly time for all and there was even an idiot for me to mock. I do so miss my three original idiots. Actually, I feel much less sullied, now they're all away. Well, more away than they were when they were the original Elle Lui Three.

IDIOT #1: Surely you miss my vulgar comments about turning your breasts into incense.
IDIOT #2: And my tendency to be the only one who recognizes my own genius.
IDIOT #3: And daaaaamn, I'm hot! I miss my own hotness just thinking about how you've been deprived of it. I'd better go take some pictures.
HONORARY IDIOT #4: I'm too depressed and awkward to contribute to this conversation.

Not to worry. Another idiot - one decidedly more vile - has taken their place. I shall feature him momentarily.

In the beginning, there was Ti Amo.

TONY: I love me a Ti Amo experience. Also, people SUCK!
LISA: Specifically, Korea law enforcement, who make inaccurate drug busts but don't put sexual predators behind bars. Bitches!
TESS: I'm very worked up by all this. I want to hit something.
JULIE: Am I the only one who wore a sexy clubbing shirt?
TESS and LISA: Damn it! No wonder we don't get the men.
TONY: I don't need the men and neither do you! Screw 'em!
STE: *from Elle Lui* Tear.
TONY: Sorry, obviously you don't count!
OLLIE: *from Elle Lui* Tear.
TONY: Don't you start.
TESS: *wants very badly to speak but is gagged* Murgle burgle spurgle*
TONY: It's for your own good.

And then, there was Elle Lui.

TONY: A table! Tap that!
TONY, TESS, LISA: *slow-mo run and dive*
GRACE: Crushed ... help ...
DAVE: Er ... but I ... my table ...
TONY: Oh, yeah right, you soft Northerner!
TESS: I'll get off your head if you'll take some British lessons with me now, Gracie.
GRACE: Murgle burgle spurgle.
TESS: *gets off Grace's head*
GRACE: I owe you a debt of gratitude.
TESS: And I may owe you a trip to the chiropractor.
LISA: Look! Matching sweaters!!!
TESS: Yay! With ring-tailed lemurs! And dinosaurs!
GRACE: *forgetting her former infirmity-by-Tess* Yay! And penguins! And camels!
TESS: Or deformed dromedary!!!
TONY: *smacks Tess upside the head. To make her sensible again. Yeah, good luck with that*
LISA: Yay! And ... is that it?
TONY: Whatever, you depress me with your sweaters I don't have yet. I'm going to the bar.
IDIOT #5: Hello. I'm creepy and huge.
TESS: Oh, fuck me, not another one!
LISA: Maybe if we hold veeeeeery still ... and pretend we speak Bhutanese.
IDIOT #5: Nope, that won't work. Some girls by the bar did that already.
JULIE: Hi, I'm back from saying hi to others and -
IDIOT #5: Oh, back that up.
JULIE: I have to leave very quickly to buy Tess a drink. *runs for life*
TESS: Wait, I - oh, dear.
IDIOT #5: I'll just sit by you -
TESS: I've got the black lung!
GRACE: I've got Japanese Insephilitus!
LISA: I've got ... stomach flu!
TONY: I have a very tall boyfriend!
GRACE: Oh, me too, me too!
IDIOT #5: Ah. Well, the diseases don't bother me, but tall boyfriends interfere with layin' the groundwork and workin' the smooth moves.
TONY: I just threw up inside my mouth a little. Also, GLARE.
LISA and TESS: *giggle because Tony is HILARIOUS when she's about to skin a bitch*
IDIOT #5: *mercifully trundles off*
CORY: *poor, innocent Cory* Er - he wasn't that bad, was he?
TONY: Poor innocent boy, you obviously don't have woman's intuition.
CORY: Against my better judgment I'm going to stay here.
JULIE: Is he gone? In that case, Tess, an old man at the bar just bought our drinks.
TESS: What, WHAT?
JULIE: Actually, he wasn't creepy at all. It's just that he's leaving Korea tomorrow and he wants to use up his won. On pretty ladies.
TESS: I'm still a little unsure about this, but it looks tasty, so ...

Sometime later ...

TESS: I need the bathroom ... and a vodka cranberry.
LISA: Already on the second drink. You're so slow, Tess!

At the bar ...

TESS: Hello, I'd like - *notices others at the bar* My goodness, Brett.
BRETT: Sup, g? I'm not drunk at all ... wow, Ollie, I've never noticed how nicely shaped you are.
TESS: I see.
STE: I'll buy your drink because Tony thinks you're like our forsaken American niece ... or like a second Bilbo. Only you don't pee on the floor and you bake stuff for us. Sometimes you even wash up.
TESS: And you say Bilbo Baggins-Clark doesn't do these things? I am skeptical.
STE: You want this drink or not?
TESS: I have implicit faith in you, Uncle Ste.
STE: In that case, let me build you and the girls a website.
TESS: We're not really into that sort of thing but ...
STE: Your blog never cuts me a break, even a little. At least I'm not wearing a -
TESS: ...
STE: Damn it, get the matronly apron off me, you commoner!
OLLIE: Suuuuuuup?
BRETT: *giggles*
TESS: You're wasted but I'm not stupid enough to tell you that to your face again. How are you, dear?
OLLIE: Oh, man. I love cheese.
TESS: ????
OLLIE: How's your face? I mean, how's life?
TESS: ??? *Drinks some vodka cran*
OLLIE: I have a rabbit. In Scotland.
TESS: *blinks* I think I might be drunk. And I've had two sips of vodka cran! What the hell! Wow, spinny room. Excuse me.
STE: *in worried tones* Where are you going? How drunk are you?
TESS: My drunken impulse sense is telling me to find Tony or Lisa and batten down the hatches for the remainder of the evening. Good evening to you.
BRETT: Heh. Cabbage.
OLLIE: Wait! You forgot your vinegar!
STE: Go now, before it's too late. I'll restrain the lads.
TESS: Do that. Mmm, pure vodka.

Back at the table ...

LISA: Ha! Look at Tess.
TESS: I'll look at Tess, thank you.
TONY: Heehee, where's your mirror then??
TESS: I'm going to remember everything from now on for my blog.
LISA: Yeah, that's likely.
TONY: Hips don't lie.
TESS: They so do! Especially when they poke you in the EYE!
TONY: Wee! Let's try it.
JULIE: Hey, we're going to ... norae ... bong.
LISA: Yes, Tess is poking Tony in the eye with her hip. Please, ignore this and go now.
TESS and TONY: *hyperventilate while many bar patrons vacate for noraebong*

Sometime later ...

GRACE: Huh. It's 2 ... I'd better go home.
TESS and TONY: Grrr ...
LISA: You'd better come with us to Chicken and Beer.
GRACE: *nervously* I'd better ...

At Chicken and Beer ...

TESS: ... minus the beer because DAMN, I'm DRUNK.
LISA: Let's play that game ...
CARLY: *bursts in* I luuuuuurve you all *kisses all round*
TESS: Ahh ...
EVERYONE ELSE: Surreal, but generally sweet.
LISA: Anyway, that game ...

I shouldn't talk about the game, because it involved a lot of marriage, sex and killing people in a not-at-all literal way. Basically, it was very silly and got us through a huge plate of chicken and fries.

And that was Friday ... it ended at approx. 3am and miraculously I continue my unbroken stint of never ever having been hungover.

Get well soon, Tony! By tomorrow, anyway, we have to do proper writing!

My god, he lives! No, that's not fair. Really, none of us had his supposed digits/facebook so we couldn't get in touch after our mad Catan-ing Saturday eve. He does, in fact, LIVE. We might go so far as to say he EXISTS. I know, big words, right? Well, it's his birthday, so he can have a few.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

ROBYN: Do we even know how old the poor guy is?
TESS: Eighty? Who cares, age has nothing to do with comedic blogs spoofing people's special days.

Anyway, it was fairly humorous (the part I was there for) so I'd like to set it down.

TESS: *hack cough wheeze* I shouldn't really go to WA Bar tonight.
JULIE: Definitely not. Stay quietly at home. We'll all miss you terribly.
TESS: I sense not, but I'll let that go. More to the point, I appear to have the black lung. Or the scourge. At any rate, my lungs may come out my mouth at any time.
HALF THE PEOPLE TESS KNOWS IN YEOSU: Actually, we're hearing about Yellow Dust from China's part of the Gobi Desert.
TESS: Or smog from their eastern cities concentrated in a giant toxic cloud?
JULIE: Please skip ahead.
TESS: And yet I'm impelled by curiosity - does Brett really exist/live? Also, I'm impelled by a desire to see the gas gauge on my scooter say "Full" again. Hack cough wheeze etc.
JULIE: Er - I'm not sure I want to get on a scooter with you.
TESS: Fine, walk along side. I'll drive slow.

*Five blocks later*

JULIE: Whatever. I hate you. Let me on.

*Five minutes and several barrels of gas later*

TESS: *pulls scooter up in usual parking spot by Tom n Toms*
JULIE: *dives off scooter, kissing the solid, unmoving ground that has never tried to get her hit by a taxi in the Yeoseodong Rotary* Oh, beloved pavement! Teacher, mother, SECRET LOVER.
TESS: I feel your Seoul Man would disapprove. As would Terry the Mexican.
JULIE: You're the reason I have no boyfriends.
TESS: Oh contraire, my petite pal. I divert all the boys toward you when we go out because I am loud, bucksome, and a smart-ass. Soon after being put off by me, they notice you and your ability to interact like a normal person and be very very pretty simultaneously.
JULIE: ...
TESS: Thank me later. We have to go in now because the clock's ticking on that lung being coughed up.
JULIE: I'm no longer hungry at all. I'm going straight for the vodka cranberry.

*In WA Bar*

ASHANTY: Sup, all? I've secured us a table and look how buff I am! Except don't really, cuz it makes me uncomfortable. Photo shoot!
TESS and JULIE: ... someone got the party started without us ...
ASHANTY: It's give Tess funny names day, too. Anyone?
OLLIE: Tess-mania.
ROBYN: Tesseract.
ASHANTY: Tesselicious!
TESS: And now I can become a porn star, thus fulfilling a lifelong dream.
BRETT: Hi, welcome to my -
TESS: OMG, mate, he does exist! Excuse me! *whips out emergy Canon EOS 5D Mark II and takes careful shots*
BRETT: Cheney, cut that out and come bicker with me. For I am the birthday boy.
TESS: *gives up on photo op in favor of pointless arguing* Oh, well, when you put it like that. Happy birthday, Bush.
BRETT: You should get a kitten. I mean REALLY. Buy it now. Buy it yesterday.
TESS: I hate you. Look, onion rings!
BRETT: I'm going to talk to Julie. In the past, this has proven to end in violence but without Settlers of Catan between us, I feel progress can be made.
JULIE: I'm down with progress.
LUKE: *with feverish brow* Did someone say Catan????

*Sometime later*

STE: Tess, have you heard if Tony's coming?
TESS: She says she's sweaty and there's a shower and it's very late.
STE: ... that's code for no. Trust me.
HYEJIN: What about Grace, that well-known blonde bombshell?
TESS: And scooter mish. No, sadly she's opted to stay home on her fainting couch like a grandma, drinking tea. No, really, I have the text proving she said this herself. Just like the text proving she said that to go up you have to travel the opposite direction of down. I rely on Grace for all my basic survival logic.
GRACE: *from Yeochun fainting couch* Tess, you're so cruel. I wrote you a Scooter/Tom 'n Tom's haiku.
TESS: *coughs up lung and swallows it hastily, hoping no one has noticed* You're right, my cruelty deserves some form of punishment.
BRETT: Kiiiiiitten. Go get oooooooooooone. Go noooooooow.
TESS: I have to go home now.
BRETT: In other news, CATAN REMATCH.
TESS: I may have mentioned before how a rematch means the same teams and the same teams mean you'll lose again.
BRETT: Where did we go wrong, honestly?
TESS: Well, we were Bush and Cheney. It was karmically doomed. Really, though ... basic strategy would have helped.
BRETT: Hmm ... you mean instead of trying to destroy Kim Jong-Lisa and Julie Putin the whole time?
TESS: Yeah, I think you're onto something.
BRETT: Whatev, as long as I can still trash talk everyone else.
LUKE: *drools* Do you think Lisa would buy ... a Settlers expansion pack?

A very happy birthday, Brett. I still think you need to find a new Catan partner. A five-year-old would probably do just as well as me ^_^

So picture this. Inside a cafe that's a Korean knock-off of Starbucks (but BETTER than Starbucks) sit six friends. They innocently open a box and are sucked into a dark and seedy world, involving the murky crossings of politics and war, the dastardly forests of trash talk, and the horrors that are recent history's world dictators ... I mean, leaders.

LISA: That intro made this sound like Jumanji ...
TESS: Shut up, you reader of the children's lit! Don't ruin this for others.
OTHERS: Oh, what! Not another knock-off.
TESS: *giggles manically and carries on*

I present ...
"Settlers of Catan: Without the Germans This Time"

CAST

Team Yellow aka The Unnoticed Megalomaniacs:
Margaret Thatcher = Maedel
Idi Amin = Tony

Team Blue aka Team America:
George Bush = Brett (though all accounts indicate that he could be Brad, Brent, Brick, Bob, or Beckham ....?)
Dick Cheney = Tess

Team Red aka The East:
Vladimir Putin = Julie
Kim Jong-il = Lisa

KIM JONG-LISA: So, it's come to my attention that Brett Bush and Julie Putin don't know how to play this game ... whilst I build the world of Catan on this table top, I'll try to explain.
BRETT BUSH: Screw you, I already know this game! Communist!
JULIE PUTIN: I'll show YOU Communists!
KIM JONG-LISA: Okay, we haven't even started the game and you guys don't even know the rules. Put the matches and stray cats down.
BRETT BUSH: Whatev, but I'm not on her team, that's for damn sure.
TESS CHENEY: Sup? I am the best that ever was at this game.
BRETT BUSH: Hmm. You're giving me the twitchy eye. I trust you with my life.
TESS CHENEY: *adjusts cowl* This is gonna be a good game, I feel.
KIM JONG-LISA: Well, I suppose it makes the most sense for you two to rock the US side of things from there.
BRETT BUSH: In yo faces, East!
KIM JONG-LISA: Sorry, you've never been on Tess Cheney's team before, have you?
JULIE PUTIN: *shudders* I tried that once.
TESS CHENEY: Oy!

MAEDEL THATCHER: Er ...
IDI ATONY: Help us, please.
MAEDEL THATCHER: We're still unsure about this game and I'm slightly drunk already. But only cuz Tess Cheney is cruel and unusual.
TESS CHENEY: And look a freakin' lot like Emperor Tess.
BRETT BUSH: *nervously* Does that make me Darth Brett? Because I know how that ends and it doesn't involve happiness.

KIM JONG-LISA: Everyone place your first settlements.
TESS CHENEY: I'm not going to screw up this time.
BRETT BUSH: *watches gleefully as T.C. places first settlement* Take THAT, Jong-il and Vlad!
JULIE PUTIN: I don't feel we're on friendly enough terms to be on a first-name dictator basis. Also, I'll stuff this cactus down your throat if you speak again.
BRETT BUSH: *tries to speak again but has been summarily gagged by Tess Cheney, because that is how their politics work*
TESS CHENEY: Shut up, dear.

KIM JONG-LISA: You know what will tick Cheney and Bush right off, Julie Putin?
JULIE PUTIN: Please, call me JP.
KIM JONG-LISA: No prob. Let's whisper for the ENTIRE GAME.
BRETT BUSH: *who has been ungagged for the purposes of continuing to make this scene humorous* In subtle opposition to leaving others out, T.C., can we talk very very loudly about all relevant strategy relating to our master plan?
TESS CHENEY: Obviously, I'm waaaaay ahead of you. And when we have nothing relevant to say, we'll talk behind the lid of the Settlers box.
BRETT BUSH: God bless America! You suck, East.
TESS CHENEY: Sigh.

MAEDEL THATCHER: We're actually feeling alone and forgotten over here.
IDI ATONY: Shut up, Thatch! We've got about a hundred settlements and the longest road. Don't make any sudden movements ...
BRETT BUSH: *notices their subtle discussion* Hey, that's unfair!!!!!! They're tricky! I hate you all!

TESS CHENEY: Now pay attention as I build a k-i-t-t-y.
BRETT BUSH and OTHERS: I'm sorry, what are you building?
TESS CHENEY: *reconsidered* A c-i-t-y?
ALL: We're ashamed for English majors everywhere.
JULIE PUTIN: I feel like beating Team America is kind of cruel and too easy. Surely they have a master strategy.
KIM JONG-LISA: After you've played with Tess Cheney a few times, you'll realize that strategy has no active roll in her thought process.
BRETT BUSH: I wish someone had told me that before ...
JULIE PUTIN: Ha!
BRETT BUSH: I need cheesecake.

KIM JONG-LISA: We've got a brick monopoly AND we're going to handy-cap Maedel Thatcher and Idi Atony in the wheat way.
BRETT BUSH: Maybe I'm new to this strategy thing, but I'm thinking you're gonna need wheat, what with your people needing to eat.
JULIE PUTIN: *with narrowed eyes* No eating here, sir!
BRETT BUSH: *nibbles protectively at cheesecake* I see ... I feel I could never subsist in Russian Catan. Which is an okay lifestyle choice.
TESS CHENEY: Too right, you weasel. Go make deals with Maedel Thatcher before she's too drunk to remember.
IDI ATONY: We should make a PACT against the Reds over there.
KIM JONG-LISA: I'd like to point out that the Yellows are currently winning, Team Blue.
BRETT BUSH: Screw you, East! We're joining Thatcher and Atony!
KIM JONG-LISA: *Shrugs* Your funeral.
JULIE PUTIN: That's right! Funeral, bitches!!
TESS CHENEY: *makes inappropriate gesture across table while no one else is looking*
JULIE PUTIN: *tugs at collar* That's unfair and distracting. Please desist.
TESS CHENEY: *cackles*

TESS CHENEY: Now, Brett Bush, it's come to my attention that we're losing badly.
BRETT BUSH: Wait, hold it! Is this going to be an inconsequential discussion that will not in any way involve useful strategic talk?
TESS CHENEY: At this point it's likely.
BRETT BUSH: Quick, get the Settlers box lid!

TWENTY MINUTES: *pass*

IDI ATONY: Oh, for fuck's sake!
TESS CHENEY: *emerges* We'd like to trade ore, Team Yellow.
BRETT BUSH: We would?
TESS CHENEY: Do what you do best, Bush ...
BRETT BUSH: Well, okay *stares into space*
TESS CHENEY: ...while I negotiate with Atony and the now extraordinarily drunk Thatcher.
MAEDEL THATCHER: Okay, I'm tired, not drunk! We've been playing for a trillion hours now!
ATONY: So, let's chat.
SOME TIME: *passes*
TESS CHENEY: We have a trade!
BRETT BUSH: What's going on?
TESS CHENEY: *sigh* I know it's your job to be that way, but really ...
MAEDEL THATCHER: I'm a saucy minx.
ALL: Oh, "Love Actually," what a great movie you are.
JULIE PUTIN: *purveyor of K-pop* Thatch's so hoooooot ... she's so fiiiiiine ...
TESS CHENEY: I want a theme song!
KIM JONG-LISA: Sho-ty get low, low, low, low...
TESS CHENEY: *jumps up and begins to break dance. A Korean couple nearby are startled out of applying copious eyeliner, mascara, and lipstick to the male portion of the couple*
BRETT BUSH: T.C., you're not in good enough shape for that.
TESS CHENEY: Shut up and get a gurney so I can come back and continue to ruin our chances of winning.
JULIE PUTIN: Yeah, I still say it's like an unkindness beating them.
BRETT BUSH: You're so mean. You suck! I'd kick your ass! Except not for real because I want us all to be friends when this is over. You're all I've got in Yeosu, you see.
IDI ATONY: We're very sorry for you, then.
BRETT BUSH: That makes me melancholy. I feel a bit of Linkin Park coming on ... In the Eeeeeend!
TOM n TOMS EMPLOYEES: *begging owner over phone* Can we close now, PLEASE?

BRETT BUSH: In the process of this game, I've broken a chapel. I'm not sure how or why ...?
TESS 24 HOURS LATER WRITING THIS: *sobs* I can't remember. It's just in my hot pink receipt notes!

KIM JONG-LISA: What a surprise, we've won.
JULIE PUTIN: Oh, quel surpreeze indeed.
MAEDEL THATCHER: What a shame *flees for home in a state or faux-drunken exhaustion*
BRETT BUSH: I demand a freakin' rematch.
JULIE PUTIN: A rematch would involve partnering the same people.
BRETT BUSH: *eyes Tess Cheney, strapped onto a gurney owing to throwing her back out break-dancing* Er ... perhaps we'll play again someday *flees also*
JULIE PUTIN: He's running toward Yeochun ... do you think he'll get home safely?
TESS CHENEY: Eh, who knows?

A/N: Given that none of us have seen or heard from Brett today, it's hard to say if he did. Best of luck to you, partner, and I sincerely hope you turn up at your birthday party tomorrow!

And so, my beloved Lisa is now twenty-four. Actually, in Korean age she's twenty-five. In Bhutanese age, she might be a hundred for all we know. She's still beautiful and young biologically, however, so let us not quibble over minor details like linear time.

Having returned from a journey home, Lisa discovered that some of her closest friends had chosen her birthday weekend to skip out of town. Again. Lisa was thus forced to content herself with a bunch of malcontent pseudo-friends whilst Azeem, Lauren, Tony, and Ste were abroad.

LISA: You're putting words in my mouth.
TONY: *shouting from the UK* It's Tess's fault I'm not in Korea. I have to buy her boots.
TESS: Mmm ... boooooots.

We had a massive feeding at Tom n Toms (it's our way) during which everyone's meals were easily predictable (except the newly arrived JUUUUUUULIE).

LISA: Deli!
GRACE: Pizza!
TESS: Original!
TOM N TOM's STAFF: Quel surpreeze.

Much fun was had by all, though the festivities of the actual party were subdued and rent with woe, owing to Tess's brain going on holiday the minute she walked into the apartment.

TESS'S NEW BRAIN: Butter = shit margarine. Salt = garlic salt. Vinegar=soy sauce.
TONY: Nnnnoooooooo!

Disaster was summarily averted. Jack and Grace prepared scintillating pasta and garlic bread and tomato sauce.

JACK: I used my overdrafts at home to pay for these ingredients.
GRACE: Tess, it's low to throw-back to the first time you met Jack EVERY TIME HE APPEARS IN YOUR BLOG.
JACK: Where's the BIN? I have some RUBBISH to put there.
GRACE: *shakes threatening spatula* Tess ...
TESS: Oh, go on, then.

Dinner was eaten, Bilbo Baggins-Clark mostly wasn't involved as he was locked away in Lisa's boudoir (for everyone's safety, you see). The mistake was made later.

LISA: Tess, how're those cup cakes coming?
TONY: I've been closely observing, and my vast and infinite knowledge of baking tells me that things are primarily garlic salt free. Also, the conversion from Fahrenheit to Celsius appears to have been conducted successfully, thanks to Jack who has them memorized.
JACK: BINS!
GRACE: Tess!
TESS: Sorry, I have a problem!!
TONY: Stop blaming Tess, she's just trying to be British!
TESS: *weeps into Tony's JUMPER and BALACLAVA* Can we please have some ... chips?
TONY: That's my little girl! *only no one can actually hear her owing to the balaclava*

Anyway, shortly after disasters relating to Tess (and her useless new brain) were repeatedly averted, the cupcakes were completed, and Tess made herself quite ill on the leftover icing, Bilbo Baggins-Clark was freed.

LISA: Wow, Tess, you made some seriously aesthetic cupcakes.
ALL: Yum, Lisa! Why don't you take a biiiiig bite!
BILBO BAGGINS-CLARK: *belly-crawls across conveniently slippy wooden floor* I'd tap that.
ALL: Come on, Lisa, a biiiig birthday bite. Go on!
BILBO BAGGINS-CLARK: This is Red 5, I'm going in!
ALL: Whaaa ... nnnnnnoooooo!
ALL: *dive across coffee table ... far, far too late*
LISA: Wha ... where's my cupcake?
BILBO: *belly-crawling away and chomping on pilfered cupcake* Lightning Lips strikes again - wait, in the air! What the ...! No, not the room again!!! I'll have a tinkle, I'm so not kidding!
LISA: *prepares tearful eulogy for perished cupcake* Goodbye my little friend. I'll miss you always and I don't know what I shall do ... well, actually, I'll probably move on and Tess will get me a new cupcake, but for the next ten seconds, I'll be ... inconsolable.

Happy (extremely belated) Birthday, my Lis-uh. I'm glad I bothered to stay in the country for it.

TONY: Oy!
STE: I second that!
LAUREN: Don't judge me!
AZEEM: What? Sorry, I wasn't listening.

Hugs, friend ^_^ Hope this was worth the wait!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009 .... 2:00am.

As many people know, we in Korea are "in the future," to quote my friend Martin. Sadly, that doesn't mean that at 12pm on our Tuesday, Barak Hussein Obama became president. No, no, no. (Nor do the timezones make me eighty in Korean age). What being "in the future" means is that Julie and I went to sleep in my new papazon chair at midnight Wednesday and woke ourselves up at 1:45am in the morning to watch history being made.

TESS: Gee, history is being made.
JULIE: History being made is tiring. Zzzzz.

In her defense, Julie only arrived four days ago after a twenty eight-hour trip.

I have never felt so inspired by any speech ever. It didn't feel like a burst of unprecedented sentiment, but like a sharp, to-the-point reassertion of the ideas and values that convinced many of us to vote for Obama.

Key Points:

BARAK OBAMA: It's about time we took some responsibility for our actions. All citizens own up!
AMERICA: Novelty!
BARAK OBAMA: We shouldn't settle for the Lake Wobegon motto of not expecting too much. We should expect a lot - these are our lives and the lives of others in the world!
AMERICA: High expectations? We're not used to those!
BARAK OBAMA: We don't have the right to go around abusing our power, because power is earned through prudence and responsible practice.
GEORGE W: I sense a dig and like my conscience should prick me. Sadly, I sold my conscience to Dick Cheney in 2000.
CHENEY: *toys with ball of blue lightning between his shriveled palms* I keep it in a jar beside your brain.
BARAK OBAMA: Green energy! High-quality education! Unity over war! The price and promise of American citizenship!
AMERICA: Damn, that's hot!
GEORGE W: Those are big words. Like Nu-cu-ler.
MICHELLE OBAMA: I've taught my hubby well.
THE LITTLE GIRLS: Mummy, we can't remember if we fed the puppy.

In all seriousness, this speech, both historically based and incredibly straightforward, moved me for possibly the first time in my life to feel proud to take ownership of my citizenship in the United States of America. It's hard to be so far away from the land that's my home, that's raised and nurtured me, at a time when I'm feeling so inspired by a man, his vision, and the reawakening of my country.

...and did Cheney look like Emperor Palpatine in a wheelchair to anyone else, or was it just me? I feel some Imperial March coming on.

JOHN WILLIAMS: You rang?
YO-YO MA: I play now, here me fiddle!
JOHN WILLIAMS: That's cello.
YO-YO MA: Shut up now. I play.

...no, of course not! But what a new year's eve it was!

I spent the day texting people frantically because, in the grand Korean tradition, foreigners forget how to plan ahead after they've been in Korea a month or more.

The texts looks like this:

TESS: Who want 2 hang 4 NYE (new year's eve)? 2night, incidentally.
GRACE, YUNNA, TONY, ROSE, ELLIE, ROBYN: Yelz ya!
TESS: *to self* How extraordinarily flattering!
GRACE: Souyuki!
ROSE: Elle Lui!
TONY: Dinner/Yeochun!
ROBYN: Drinkin' like it's 1999!
YUNNA: Party hardy, baby!
ELLIE: All of the above.

TESS: *to self* Uh oh. Unlike Hermione Granger, Queen of Time-Turners, I can only live this night once. I think I'll go have a think in Tom 'n Toms three hours before midnight.
DRUNKEN GIRLS: *sweep in, taking Tom 'n Tom's by storm*
GRACE (one of above-mentioned DRUNKEN GIRLS): Silly girl. Elle Lui now.
YUNNA (one of the above-mentioned DRUNKEN GIRLS): Yooooou are the wiiiiind beneath myyyyyy wings! Look, taxi.
ELLIE: I'm not drunken yet. *has a sulk* This SUCKS.
GRACE: *leaps in front of a taxi* Stop! We want in.
TESS: *ties Grace to self with length of rope, to stop her dying* And that's enough Soju for you.

The bar of choice for all in Yeosu, it turned out, was Elle Lui. Awfully convenient for me because otherwise I would have been forced to choose a single place and when it comes to choice, the Force is not with me.

At Elle Lui, everyone was waiting! Not really WAITING, but by the time we go there, they were ludicrously happy to see us.

TONY: You're here! Why are you tied to Grace, Tess?
TESS: *releases Grace, that she might sit at the bar with Hyejin and discuss their wedding* Grace's life depended very briefly on this short length of rope I often carry about my person.
TONY: Where do you keep it?
TESS: I'll show you later.
ROSE: You can't talk like that; I may jump you.
TONY: Not if I jump you first.
TESS: I need to be more drunken than I am to hear talk like this.
ELLIE: I am also not even remotely drunken, though Yunna is and has broken her cell phone as a result.
YUNNA: I'm bringin' sexy back! YUH!
TESS: *to bar wench (who is, in fact, a man)* Long-island, juh-seo!
ELLIE: Lum-co!
TESS: ????
ELLIE: Lum-co?
GRACE: ?????
BAR WENCH (who is, in fact, etc.): I am Korean AND I am trained in foreigner-speak. I correctly translate that request as RUM & COKE.
ELLIE: Bless you, dear boy! *tries to pry promise ring off finger*
TESS: Mmm ... things get soft and wavy after a Ong Liland ...
ELLIE: Now I'm sufficiently inebriated, I must help Yunna with her phoken brone.
TESS: I see!
TONY: I'm down wit da kids, DAWG!
TESS: I'd tap that.
TONY: Fuzzle to the shuzzle, T-money!
TESS: I holla!
STE: I'm moving away from you now. Tony, you disgrace the British Empire with your inane ebonics. *looks piteously up out of computer* Also, Authoress, I'm been wearing my matronly apron since Christmas. Can I have it off now?
AUTHORESS: Well, only because you called me common that one time for drinking straight from a cider bottle.
STE: Bless you, my son! *toddles off for more beer*
OLLIE: I'm not drunk, you bastards!
ROSE: Yeah, you're not drunk and I'm not .... something that starts with an h and ends in orny.

And so we partied on. I, as usual, did not make it passed Happily Softened via alcohol. I was definitely sober enough to notice Idiot #1's reappearance. He is, I am told, With Girlfriend. I'm not sure I believe it, however, as he was just as much an idiot this time I met him as last.

IDIOT #1: I'm hovering awkwardly. Like I did last time. Only I don't remember as vividly as you two do so I'm going to reintroduce us all.
TESS: I have to go burn some bridges.
TONY: I have to go have my larynx removed.

Meanwhile, Grace and Hyejin were having a most important discussion about their wedding.

GRACE: Since we're both marrying Brits, it's only reasonable that we marry them at the same time.
HYEJIN: OhitotallyagreeandweshouldalsohavetheceremonyinAustralia.
ELLIE: I'm sorry, what?
Hyejin:HiI'mHyejinHowareyou?
ELLIE: I'm sorry, what?
Grace: Shut up and discuss our wedding now.

Meanwhile, outside the bar....

TESS: *on her as yet unbroken cell phone* Hi, Mummy. It's me.
TESS'S MUMMY: Hi, Emma, can you pick up some milk on the way home?
TESS: The other me.
TESS'S MUMMY: Bruce? You sound a bit congested.
TESS: *rubs temples* The overseas other me.
TESS'S MUMMY: Tess?
TESS: *sigh* Yeah. *to self* Ringing in the New Year by being confused with my father. What a grand start I have made.
TESS'S MUMMY: Oh, my baby! Are you eating right? Where are you? Is it 2009 yet? Timezones are confusing.
TESS: Yes, Korea, not quite yet, yes.
TESS'S MUMMY: HAPPY NEW YEAR'S EVE!
YUNNA: *from nearby* My fucking cell phone! I hate you! No, no, I don't mean that. Come to me, my darling.
ELLIE: *does the moonwalk beside Yunna*
TESS'S MUMMY: How's your New Year's Eve, sweetie?
TESS: Er - *watches Yunna jump up and down on her cell phone while Ellie giggles and takes pictures* It's really not worth going into.

Meanwhile, midnight did eventually roll around.

TONY: In the grand British tradition, let's hold hands, dance in a circle, and sing Should Old Acquaintance, etc.
TESS, ROBYN: We don't really know this song.
ROSE and TONY: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and never brought to AHHHHHHHH!
TESS: I can sing that.
ROBYN: I'm moving away from Crazy Town, U.K.

We danced in a circle while the bar wench (who is, in fact, etc.) blew fire and broke-danced (past tense of to break-dance) to "It's Raining Men," the not-excellent Geri Halliwell version. His broke-danced was quite impressive.

TESS: Oooh!
TONY: Ahh! Bitches RECOGNIZE!
GRACE: I want that at our wedding, Hyejin.
BAR WENCH (who was, in fact, etc): And why don't you drink this alcohol that was just on fire?
GRACE: Huh. That would be cool at the wedding, too.
HYEJIN: Ohsowithyouthere,G-dawg.
STE: I was DRUNK last night, dear mother! I was DRUNK the night before ...
OLLIE: I am not drunk, damn it! Quit accusing me!
ROSE: Tess, get out that trusty rope again before Ollie vanishes into the streets, never to be seen again.
TESS: You leash him up.
ROSE: *looking piteous* You're just being cruel now.
TONY: I'll still jump you if you want, but ...
STE: *falls upon her neck* Oh, my darling! Let it not be said that I've lost you to another man!
ROSE: *bitches-slaps Ste*
GRACE: Well, that's crap! MY hunk of British lovin' doesn't fall upon my neck. Well, hmm, actually ...

The night culminated in the setting off of fireworks (one of which was pointed at a group of us as it was lit. We quickly removed the firework from the Korean who'd lit it and then Ste tried to remove the Korean). Then we all stumbled into the nearest noraebong, where Ashanty, Robyn, Rose, and I suddenly realized we were very tired and were probably pre-cancerous from all the second-hand smoke.

So we caught a cab!

ASHANTY: Dang, I've only been in Yeosu a week and I feel like it's been a lifetime.
ROSE: No one fell upon me this evening *glares at Tess*
TESS: What?? I'm the sweet, innocent prude, I know nothing of persons falling upon each other.
EX-BOYFRIEND in US: Ha! Says you!
ROBYN: Stop talking. My so-called ex keeps kissing me and being misleading and it sucks.
ROSE: Oh, tell me about it! Actually, no, don't. I don't think I can stand it. *sings to self* H-O-double R, Orny!

And that was my new year. Suddenly, and most inexplicably, I have friends in Yeosu. It's a heady feeling and I'm not quite accustomed to it yet. Since new year's, though, barely a day goes by when I'm not doing something with someone or someone(s).

Next post: The Public Bath Episode 1.

Christmas Eve
......was a unique experience. For one thing, we were all meant to meet one place and wound up meeting somewhere completely different.

TONY: Let's meet at Long Life-UH.
TESS: I'm down, home skillet. Also, sweat pants!
*ten minutes later*
TESS: No one is at Long Life. Maybe by Long Life she meant Tom 'n Toms. Also, sweat pants!
ROSE: I think exactly as you do. Let's coffee the heck out of ourselves.
TONY: Huh. This isn't really what I had in mind.
ROSE: Shut up and have some coffee.
OLIVER: I like coffee.
TESS: I like sweat pants.
ROSE: I like YOU, Tony.
TONY: ... Ste couldn't come just yet. He's fretting in the kitchen.
*far away in Yeochun*
STE: *frets* Blast it all, where's the sodding PIE CRUST? *wrings hands and dons large matronly apron that may for comedic purposes reappear again on Christmas Day.
TONY: Souyuki, anyone?
TESS: Jolly good. Sweat pants?
TONY: Tess, give up the damned sweat pants.
TESS: E-mart?
TONY: It's 10:30 at night.
TESS: Cookie ingredients?
TONY: I'm sold.
TESS: *flees to E-mart with all speed. Arrives gasping and flings herself at a display of giant men's sweats* Teacher, mother, secret lover!
*ten minutes pass*
ROSE: Think she's lost in Munsadong?
TONY: Possibly. Or she's been distracted by the perfume counter again.
TESS: I'm back! And I even beat Ste!
STE: *from Yeochun, doing battle with a merangue* Shut up, you commoner!
TONY: How was late-night E-mart?
TESS: *proffers bag* SWEAT PANTS.
TONY: I see.

We dallied at Souyuki for a while. Soon we'd had a good deal of soju cocktail and Shawna, Azeem, Lauren, and the vacant Ste-shaped housewife had joined us. A few of us thought it was time for X-mas Eve noraebong (replacing the usual English custom of drunken caroling, apparently).

TONY: So, I have little or no voice. Shall we go to a singing room?
OLIVER: Sure, I'm easy.
STE: *eye twitch* Don't take me home yet!!
TESS: Coo! You know I love shouting down a mike about gay bars, dancing queens, wonder walls, tales as old as time, etc.
LAUREN and AZEEM: How tired we suddenly are.
SHAWNA: Me as well. So tired.
ROSE: I'm not tired, I'm just going home.
TONY: I love you for your honesty.

At the noraebong we had a gay old time, except that with Tony's voice gone, I had to do a lot of the singing for both us which meant terrible scores and the fact that I also lost my voice.

At home and several hours into Christmas Day, I showered and fell into an exhausted slumber.

CHRISTMAS DAY
...... was sadly Lisa and Grace-less (oh, and family-less), which was a shame. As it was, there were an excess of Britons and an unhappy cocker spaniel.

I began the day alone (a first in my short life) and opening my stocking.

STOCKING: Sup? I'm a cleverly disguised Christmas sock.
TESS: *sniff* Just like the one in my parents' attic. I hope they didn't put the traditional Christmas orange in the bottom because my stocking's been under the tree for two weeks ... also that my mother has wrapped the second sock up as a gift, as is her practical utilitarian way.

My stocking was thankfully orangeless, though it did contain various and sundry chocolates, pads of paper (really, I should open my own stationary shop and begin selling a selection of the notebooks, sticky notes, etc. I've accumulated).

Though extremely tempted to open all my gifts right away, I resisted the urge and instead ate a croissant and strawberries and drank yummy coffee. This is my new breakfast of choice. I watched A Christmas Story for the millionth time and was very late indeed when I finally got to Tony and Ste's for the giant Christmas do.

TONY: No, it's fine you're late. Another couple of centuries and I could have grown a beard.

I'm not sure why bearded women are suddenly in my blog. Sorry, Tony. Anyway, there was much joy and making of about a hundred cookies. I had to go real fast since the rest of the food had to be made. In between mixing cookie badder and helping with dishes, I washed a million tons of carrots.

TESS: My skin is getting all wrinkly from the water ...
STE: *waves menacing spatula* Wash carrots ...
OLIVER: Don't get in his way ... he's got that boiled carrots look.
STE: *glares and adjusts matronly kitchen apron*
TONY: And that's why I vacate to the living room and Ross Noble during Chrimbo preparations.

About 3 I suddenly realized that I was supposed to Skype with Twi, my beloved countrywoman ... about two hours previously.

TESS: Ste, I don't wish to interrupt you with requests to use your computer ...
STE: *threatens Tess with partially steamed broccoli*
TESS: *fends him off with cookie dough*
STE: Oh, well, that's different.

First the mike was sketch, then Twi and I weren't logged in at the same time. Finally, SUCCESS!

TWI, MY BELOVED COUNTRYWOMAN: Quiiiiiiiddy!
TESS (a.k.a. Quidditch): Twwwwwwi!
CONNER (brother of my beloved countrywoman): QUID! I have a paper route!
TESS: That's exciting...
CONNER: And a cool new football jersey!
TESS: How nifty ...
CONNER: And a new CD!
TESS: Must be nice ...
TWI: Conner, beloved brother, vacate if you want to live, and by that I mean that I wish to speak to Quid. ALONE! Don't read anything into it.
CONNER: *shambles off*

He certainly added a lively flare to our discussion by reappearing every five minutes. I love Conner - he makes my conversations with Twi very very entertaining.

Anyway, the afternoon was spent by me in the kitchen with occasional forays into Lisa's room to sleep (or lie there wishing I could sleep). Shawna and I did a LOT of dishes (and by Shawna and I, I also mean Rose and Oliver). It was truly spectacular.

The evening culminated in a massive meal (thank you SO much,Ste!!!!), many cookies, and secret santa gift exchanges. I received Tumblin' Monkeys, a game I have coveted for many a year. I played several rounds against Jinn and Ste and Rose. Brits get quite vocal when they get lots of monkeys (the point of the game is not to). Koreans get very quiet and hide their faces in shame. Americans appear to be in their death throws with every additional monkey. It's a glorious, ridiculous sight to behold.

Late that night, Azeem and I climbed into our Christmas chariot (taxi) and sped away to our respective Yeoseodong apartments (Azeem owes me a coffee because I paid for the taxi. I'm recording it here so it isn't forgotten ^_^). We discussed boys, something we have similar opinions about. Basically, they're usually more trouble than they're worth.

A very merry Christmas to me!! My first away from my family (though not my first away from home - in fact, I think I've spent more Christmases away from home than not). It was strange and I missed them. I had fun though.

The next morning I spoke with them and opened my presents. My mother cleverly wrapped up several of my own possessions as presents - she ought to have considered doing that when I was at home, it would have saved a lot of time and energy when I was younger ^_^ No, it was nice of my family to send gifts. My sister and Annie and Ian all sent gifts as well, which was very nice and into which they all clearly put a great deal of time.

Thanks to everyone who made my Christmas so fun and exciting and new this year!